Forgetting

It's so easy to forget what God has done.

How many miracles do I need to experience before I'm certain that God is on my side and that He is taking care of me?

But even as I try to remember everything that brought me to this point and how much God has done for me, I still have this deadness inside. I'm just going day by day. Surviving.

It has been told to me that depression can go into remission, but I'm not very hopeful. I'm on my fifth or sixth, maybe even seventh, medication regimen. And obviously something is still not working right.

Right now, I still have my faith, but my expectations are pretty low.

Update....sort of

Still having internet issues. So frustrating.

I'm back on track with the martial arts....sort of. I'm still having difficulty getting there as much as I would like, but I'm not giving up. Maybe I need to be a little easier on myself and not put myself through so much guilt.

Guilt.

It has its usefulness, but it has run amok in me. I'm riddled with guilt all the time.

But I'll talk about guilt some other time.

Right now, I'm just lonely and I'm thinking I might as well get used to it.

I have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder because I was molested when I was a child......phew. That's a rather scarey thing to put on the internet. Should it be scarey? I certainly shouldn't feel ashamed since it wasn't my fault. But it does make me feel tainted. Like I'm stained. It makes me feel untouchable.

I have built a fortress up around myself. I have been told I'm one of the most closed people they have ever met. Comments like that really scare me. It scares me because my heart really wants to be close to people. I have a deep desire to have meaningful relationships. But I don't actually have many and I struggle at maintaining the ones I do have.

I'm trying to learn more about how my trauma is affecting my relationships now and how it will continue to affect them in the future. It doesn't look good. Other people that have experienced childhood molestation live lonely lives. It's because we have a much harder time trusting people, so we just don't give what others seek in a relationship. Then the relationship doesn't work out.... There's more to it than that though. I think I also just don't trust myself. I'm positive I'm going to mess something up or that I am just a big mess up.

So, this past weekend I was deeply depressed because I've pretty much convinced myself that marriage and children aren't in my future. Maybe my career is all there will be.

I don't know what to think. Especially since I am supposed to be a Christian and I'm supposed to have faith that God cares about the desires of my heart. My faith in God remains. I am certain of His existence and His love for me and all of humanity. Maybe my ideas about my life have been wrong. Maybe I'm not meant to be a wife and mother. Maybe, as I had already said, my career is all there will be.

I am really excited about working in justice. I didn't mean to make it sound unsatifactory. It's just hard to feel so alone.

What Am I Doing???

I was thinking about adding a new feature to this blog that would include one of my biggest interests: mixed martial arts. I write up a play-by-play for every payperview event for my best friend and it was suggested that I blog my play-by-play. Also, I've been taking Brazilian Jiujitsu and Muay Thai.

But after last night, I don't know.

I've been struggling this week. After yesterday evening, I feel like I passed a point on no return.

Monday I went to Muay Thai and really struggled through the whole class. I left not feeling very good about myself, but not completely horrible either. I took Tuesday off because I was in intense pain from Monday's workout. Wednesday I went to Brazilian Juijitsu and I had some trouble with some drills we did, but was fine with the techniques we learned. But I left feeling depressed. I cried in the shower when I got home. I'm not really sure where it came from. If it was Wednesday evening, I probably would know what set me off. Then I went to Brazilian Juijitsu again Thursday evening and was really anxious about going, but I'm always anxious so it wasn't anything, I thought, to worry about. Nothing out of the usual. We started doing a conditioning drill that I started to get really, really anxious about. I started feeling a little sick and went running to the washroom. It ended up being nothing, but then I started getting even more anxious. I was thinking there was no way I could go back out there when everyone in the class had almost done a full round of this drill and I had ran out during the first minute. I started getting teary eyed. Then I knew there was no way I could rejoin the class. I was on the verge of a full-on anxiety attack. I decided to leave.

I feel like such an abject failure. How can I go back....ever? I feel so humiliated.

On the way home, I was thinking that I should just give up the martial arts completely. I think I'm just kidding myself to think I can do it. It just seems to get harder and harder and I'm having such a hard time adjusting. I feel like a great big loser.

When I got home, my roomate gave me a pep talk and some encouragement that certainly helped. I'm not so hell-bent on quitting entirely. I don't know what to do.

At the moment I don't even want to watch any MMA.

And I'm still feeling like I just don't care. I don't care about myself. I don't care. I don't care.

I hate weekends

Everything is actually going well. There are a few bugs I have to work out. But other than that my life is going quite well. I'm doing amazing in my classes and enjoying all of them. I am really happy with where I live. I'm making friends. And I've found a gym where I can continue to do Brazilian Jiujitsu and Muay Thai.

But I hate weekends.

I don't do well without the structure I have during the week. When I'm free to make what I like of my time, I struggle.

This weekend wasn't so bad because I had visitors. When I was out with my mom, stepdad and aunt and uncle, I was enjoying myself. But now I feel dead.

It's the apathy. I hate this part of depression. I don't like when I just don't care. I feel like a zombie.

And being that this is reading week, I will be struggling with this a lot. I have a completely unstructured week ahead of me and I need to figure out what to do with it so that I don't end up in the hospital by the end of it.

So far my plan is to go to as many classes at the gym as I can. I might as well take advantage of all the free time I have. Also, I have some pretty major assignments due after the break that I plan on getting a substantial start on.

Knowing that I have this ahead of me is already making me feel better.

It's Been So Long

I've been having internet access issues. I mean besides now being in a new city and being back in school and just generally adjusting to a new life. It's been difficult for me to blog lately.

I really need to work on getting internet access at home. That would definitely make things easier.

Classes are going awesome. I'm getting 90s so far in all my classes. Yay!

There is still the drama with pancreatic cancer and brain injuries, but generally things are going well.

Sometimes I feel a little guilty with being so removed from everything. But I also know for 100% certain that God brought me here. This guilt is kind of like survivor guilt, I guess. It's a waste of my time and energy regardless. Also, it's a part of my depressed brain. As though my depressed brain has to come up with something for me to feel bad about.

And, it's "me" focused. I'm not actually feeling sad or grieved about my friend with cancer or my uncle with a brain injury, but my own feelings of not knowing how to help or what I can do. It's not real grief. It's sick grief.

I'm really tired. This week has been an especially exhausting week. Next week is reading week! Soooo looking forward to that.

A Hard Lesson

Sometimes learning and growing sucks. Sometimes is downright hurts.

Yesterday, after having a fairly good day despite having anxiety over being so poor (I actually only had enough money to get me back home from campus and get me there and back today and then I didn't know what I was going to do), I decided to go to the gym. I love that my tuition includes a gym membership. I knew I wouldn't be able to buy a lock for a locker so I left my purse and school supplies in my locker on campus and therefore only had my gym bag and student ID at the gym. I put them in a locker without a lock.

When I got back from my workout, my gym bag was gone. Thankfully, I still had my coat, scarf, toque and gloves as well as my change of clothes. No gym bag with some of my martial arts equipment and most distressing....my student ID. I felt so violated. I was depressed. I couldn't afford to replace anything.

On the walk to the gym I had been thinking about how at least one of the benefits of being so impoverished is having so little to lose. I thought that if someone were to steel my purse, the joke was on them. They would get around $8 and a maxed out credit card. Not much gain for the trouble.

But then I was actually robbed. And I learned that I was so wrong. It's harder being robbed when you are so poor because you lose everything you have. You don't have resources to replace anything. What you do have is so much dearer to you than when you can have anything. I really loved that gym bag. It was really useful and I bought it because it was easy to clean which is important for a person like me who sweats a lot when they exercise. And I had a Christmas gift in there too: a hair product for people with curly hair that I absolutely loved and I knew was also expensive. My hand wraps, my mouth guard.....my student ID.

I think I needed to learn this lesson for the kind of work I'm planning on going into. I'll probably work with people living in poverty. Actual poverty, not the student poverty I live in. I need to be merciful, understanding. This experience has given me insight into the life of poverty.

Fortunately, God has performed another miracle in my life and I've just received my funding for school. I was told the earliest it could be in my account was tomorrow, but I have it today! And that is just when I need it. Otherwise, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it to my classes tomorrow. God is good!

Insecurity and Cruelty

I've just finished my first week at college. It has been quite an experience. At times I have felt really confident and at other times overwhelmed and overstimulated.

My best friend mentioned to me that I was sounding judgemental and she was concerned about it because it is not a part of who I am.

I wasn't taken back when she said that and I wasn't hurt by her remark at all. It just made me think and surprisingly, I had been thinking about this topic before she even mentioned it.

The majority of the people I've been encountering all week have been my fellow first year students. We are all wondering around like dear in headlights and suffering from information overload. I'm sure we all feel a great deal of insecurity from being in a new position. We don't know what the future holds for us. We don't know how we are going to make it through our studies. Some don't know that they are in the right program. We don't know who are friends will be even. So much unknown. It's a weird position to be in.

And, unfortunately, out of that insecurity can come cruelty in the form of judgement and gossip. I've seen it in my fellow students and I've seen it in myself as well.

I've heard some mean comments about other people. All in an attempt to feel better about oneself and feel somehow superior, masking our own insecurities.

What is particularly cruel about this behaviour, is it stings that much more at this time. We are all hoping to make a good first impression and establish a certain image for ourselves. Any mistake is heightened. It doesn't matter how small or insignificant. And our feelings are more easily hurt, we are more vulnerable.

Last night I prayed that God would forgive me of my gossip and judging. I prayed He would help me see people the way He sees them.

I'm in college because I want to work with people with mental illness, like myself. I am a compassionate and caring person. Judgement and gossip need to be the furthest things from me.

Of course I'm not perfect and part of my growth as a human being is stumbling and reflecting on those stumbles. I know that this tendency for gossip and judging is in me and I need to be aware of it. Able to nip it off before it rears its ugly head.

I shoudn't make it sound like I'm surrounded by a bunch of jerks and having a wretched time here at college because that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm sure the people in my program are amazing. They obviously have a heart for justice and helping people like I do to have decided to go into these studies. We're in a weird time right now. Figuring ourselves out, figuring out this new place and new stage in our lives.

In my sociology class, we learned about Bartol's hypothesis: "Persons engaged in any behavior are unique individuals trying to adapt the best way they know how to a particular set of circumstances." I've been seeing this concept at work this week. When people are insecure they will sometimes react by being mean to others.

I do really love my courses and professors. I'm looking forward to the semester and the whole rest of the program. It's only going to get better from here.