Thorns

So....still feeling good one day after being fired. Still hopeful.

I surprised my therapist tonight with the amount of happenings in my life since the last time I saw her, only two weeks ago. Someone close to me is dying, my landlord is being overly difficult, I'll have to find a place to live by the end of the year and I got fired. Stellar time here.

I'm sure I'm in for a fall. My rather complicated diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, especially social anxiety, and some Bipolar features. Hence, I'm on a mood stabilizer as well as anti-depressants. My experience has been that I will have a good mood for a few days and then crash and end up in bed for a whole day really depressed and slowly get myself back to functioning normally. But my mood remains depressed mostly.

This summer, I was hospitalized for the first time for depression and was in the hospital for 4 weeks. It was phenomenal, although not so much at first when it was just depressing. The help I got was amazing. While I was there I came to terms with the fact that this was a disease I would be struggling with my whole life and that it was quite possible I will be hospitalized again.

"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10

I've come to see my mental illness as my own thorn in my flesh. It is a weakness in me that allows God to show His power. I'm quite amazed at what I'm able to do despite my illness. Here's a short list:

• got my Masters degree in Environmental Studies
• my profs loved my thesis; they told me at my final exam it was impossible for me to fail because I did such a great job
• I was Assistant Director at a summer camp for two years; one year we had a missing camper that took all night to find and the second year we had some staff turnover issues, ie. very intense two summers

These are things God enabled me to do. I couldn't have done it on my own.

My illness is a blessing and a curse. It is definitely not pleasant to deal with, but I'm blessed with how God has been able to turn it to good.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28

You're Fired!

I just got fired.

God had me prepared for it though. For a long time I was thinking I should quit because He has put a mission in me to speak and write about being a Christian with mental illness. Just this morning I was thinking about asking to cut down to part-time hours instead and praying that God would forgive my lack of faith and help increase my faith if in fact I was supposed to be through at my job. He has made things abundantly clear for me!

So, I suppose I should be stressed out of my mind, since I do need to find a place to live by the end of the year, buy my prescriptions, etc. But I'm not.

This is my healthy mind speaking.