I was thinking about adding a new feature to this blog that would include one of my biggest interests: mixed martial arts. I write up a play-by-play for every payperview event for my best friend and it was suggested that I blog my play-by-play. Also, I've been taking Brazilian Jiujitsu and Muay Thai.
But after last night, I don't know.
I've been struggling this week. After yesterday evening, I feel like I passed a point on no return.
Monday I went to Muay Thai and really struggled through the whole class. I left not feeling very good about myself, but not completely horrible either. I took Tuesday off because I was in intense pain from Monday's workout. Wednesday I went to Brazilian Juijitsu and I had some trouble with some drills we did, but was fine with the techniques we learned. But I left feeling depressed. I cried in the shower when I got home. I'm not really sure where it came from. If it was Wednesday evening, I probably would know what set me off. Then I went to Brazilian Juijitsu again Thursday evening and was really anxious about going, but I'm always anxious so it wasn't anything, I thought, to worry about. Nothing out of the usual. We started doing a conditioning drill that I started to get really, really anxious about. I started feeling a little sick and went running to the washroom. It ended up being nothing, but then I started getting even more anxious. I was thinking there was no way I could go back out there when everyone in the class had almost done a full round of this drill and I had ran out during the first minute. I started getting teary eyed. Then I knew there was no way I could rejoin the class. I was on the verge of a full-on anxiety attack. I decided to leave.
I feel like such an abject failure. How can I go back....ever? I feel so humiliated.
On the way home, I was thinking that I should just give up the martial arts completely. I think I'm just kidding myself to think I can do it. It just seems to get harder and harder and I'm having such a hard time adjusting. I feel like a great big loser.
When I got home, my roomate gave me a pep talk and some encouragement that certainly helped. I'm not so hell-bent on quitting entirely. I don't know what to do.
At the moment I don't even want to watch any MMA.
And I'm still feeling like I just don't care. I don't care about myself. I don't care. I don't care.
