Working and dating

I'm working again. I just got hired at Chapters for over the Christmas season of retail frenzy. I'm excited because I love books and I could get at a job at the Chapters in my new city when I leave for college.

Not much has changed as of late. Things have been fairly smooth which has been nice.

Sam asked me on a date. He loves me. It's very sweet. But also anxiety inducing. The last thing I want to do is cause him any emotional pain in his last days.....especially emotional pain that could precipitate his end sooner.

He has never been on a date before and I honestly think of him more as a family member, as a brother. I don't want to deny him some happiness when there is likely more pain and sickness to come for him. Because this is his first date, and could very possibly be his only date, I feel the pressure that much more. Sometimes I wonder if agreeing to go was a mistake.

My best friend, who is also Sam's niece, has given me some good advice. She suggested having a script and having about three of them that say the same thing but in different ways so that Sam will be sure to understand. I need to be absolutely honest and gentle too.

I'm scared. I feel like crying thinking about it...and puking. So much homework needed to do on this one.

I've decided

I'm sick and tired of people saying things about Sam's impending death like, "At least he'll be in a better place," or, "He won't be in any suffering anymore." I've made a decision on these kinds of pat, BULLSHIT answers!

Sam's life isn't any less of a life because he has disabilities. Saying it's a blessing for him to die is just plan messed up! It's sounds more like a person is supporting euthanasia rather than cherishing life in all it's fullness and variety. When Sam came to a full understanding of his disease and his prognosis in that appointment a couple weeks ago saying, "So you're saying I'm going to die?" he was devastated. He was devastated just as much as anyone else would be! He loves his life. He wasn't thinking anything like, 'well at least in heaven I won't be brain injured anymore. Then life will really start.'

Who really wants to die?? (Besides the suicidals.... and I actually don't think most of them truly want to die either, but that's another discussion.)

Sam has had a hard, unfortunate life. But it's a life. I can understand why he wouldn't want to leave it.

And yes, I fully understand that "to live is Christ and to die is gain"(Philippians 1:21) and that "whoever wants to save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for me[Jesus] will find it"(Matthew 16:25). Ya' know, when I look at these verses now, I don't see that they necessarily mean that it's great to die because then you're in heaven. Remember "to live is Christ." It is so beautiful to be on this earth knowing the Lord. What good am I to God dead? Would I be writing this blog? No! And I wouldn't be doing any other kind of work for God either. Not here on earth anyway. I'd be in heaven singing praises to God, which albeit will be pretty awesome, but it's not doing anything toward any good works here on this suffering planet. God likes us alive too.

Sam is not dead yet, so please don't talk to me like he is! Things really look bad right now. He has been very, very sick and is back in the hospital and today I started questioning whether he will even make it to Christmas. This is immensely hard to deal with. I need people to mourn with me. "Mourn with those who mourn"(Romans 12:15). "Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ"(Galatians 6:2).

Jobless

I remember when I talked to my doctor about getting a little time off work because I was so stressed out about Sam's health problems and landlord problems and my doctor warned me that being off work can become a habit of sorts. A person can get used to being unemployed.

I am not used to being unemployed! I want to work. I need to work.

I have a number of pressing bills coming up and social assistance is just not going to cut it. I find comfort in telling myself that God is on my side and that He will help. It's really hard to keep from worrying though.

And I've been feeling more dead inside this week. It's unpleasant.... not just for me either. I don't like who I am when I'm depressed. Not one bit. I'm apathetic and selfish.

What I find strange is I've been taking better care of myself this week -- getting to bed at a good time (except right now), regular exercise. I guess I'd just be that much more worse if I wasn't.

One thing I can say about my current job predicament is that I struggle between thinking it has either been the right or wrong thing for me to be unemployed. Being without a job has opened me up for helping more with Sam and helping more around the house which I know is a big support. It has also created a buffer for me to take care of myself amidst all the chaos.

Thus far I haven't had any problems paying my bills, but now I'm suddenly being inundated with expenses.

I just have to pray and know that God will provide. I really do believe there has been a reason for my unemployment. But I think it's time for me to work again. Being jobless is starting to take a toll on my mental health. I'm really starting to believe some of those distorted thoughts telling me that I'm unemployable or useless or pathetic. Albeit a job can't make me happy or be the reason for fulfillment (or lack of) in my life, it would certainly give me a boost. The structure a job provides for your day is so needed in my life right now too, besides the monetary benefits.

The Sky's the Limit....?

Ugh.....writing a novel is way too hard. In NaNoWriMo, you're supposed to write 50 000 words by the end of the month. It's impossible. For me it is anyway. I know some people can whip it off no problem. So far I have around 3 000 words which means I'm way behind in trying to accomplish the goal. Oh well...

I've been accepted to college for Community and Justice Services and I will be leaving the city where I currently live. That was unexpected, but it's okay. I have new beginnings ahead. Exciting times.

I should be excited shouldn't I? And I definitely was in the past week, but I'm at a low today. This is usual for my depression, but I didn't prepare for it. I went to my new city of residence and looked at some potential places to live over the weekend. I have some specific things I'm praying for in a place to live: a garden and laundry. I found that in one place. Plus the house is close to the college, on a bus route, in a beautiful area and my potential landlords are super nice, one of them being a life coach which would be really good for me, no? I also got to see a good friend of mine on the weekend that I haven't seen in a long time because she has been out of the country. I had an eventful weekend.

When I have a lot going on and especially when I'm emotionally charged about it, as in I'm excited about going to college in a couple months, moving to a great place (hopefully) and seeing a friend I hadn't seen in a long time, I tend to fall afterward. I'll be happy and then crash into the dumps.

That's where I am now.

But it's not as though I'm right at rock bottom. I'm not wanting to run out in front of a bus or anything. I just feel apathetic. I'm tired and cranky. I think it's clear in the way I'm writing right now that I don't have much inspiration or personality at the moment. My words all sound blah.... Sorry to you dear reader.

In my heart I'm truly excited about going to college and living in this one particular place. And I know I have faith somewhere in there that God will help me with all the crazy expenses coming up. He has already helped me with my tuition.

This is my unhealthy mind speaking today. I can see that it is illness. The faith I have and the hope for my future is being clouded over by it today, but it will pass. Today I'm focusing on small problems that distract me from the amazingness that is going on in my life right now.

NaNoWriMo

I'm working on a novel as part of National Novel Writing Month. Not sure how much blogging I'll be getting done in the mean time.

I'm excited about possibly having a novel written by the end of the month, even if there is a lot of crap in it to wade through and toss.