Dennis Leary has a new book out right now called Suck on This Year. I completely agree. I can't wait for 2010 to be over.
Worst year EVER!
The year began with me being quite depressed and that continued for months and months until I finally ended up in the hospital.
Shortly after being discharged, we found out Sam has pancreatic cancer, our landlady started being even more of a pain and then we got evicted, I got fired, my uncle almost died from a massive head injury and is now brain injured and my mom and stepfather almost separated.
Ugh....
There is actually more, I'm just keeping it to myself.
It's not that everything is bad. I definitely have tons and tons to be thankful for. Lately, I've just started to cave under the pressure. I'm really needing a rest. The new year promises that, at least until classes start.
Today I started crying at a gas station when I went to pay and was unable to. I was buying gas for the family van and was given the debit card to use to pay for it. I couldn't remember the right pin number and ended up making it so that I couldn't use the card at all. And I couldn't use my credit card because it's almost maxed. So I started crying. I didn't know what else to do.
I've been pretty much useless since.
So, I think I might have a quick nap right now before going back to work cleaning and packing.
I hope to soon have a brain that is fully capable again.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I am slowly going CCCCRAAAAAAZAAY!!!
I am a big jumble of emotions right now. My poor little mind has been reeling and reeling all day long. It won't rest.
And it's full of angry, scared, hopeless thoughts.
And it won't stop!
There's part of me, lately, that has been feeling guilty about moving away. I feel guilty because I know how much of a help I've been the past number of months, especially with everything with Sam. And also being that it is so unlikely that he's going to make it through another year, I feel guilty for taking off now in the last year of his life.
On top of that guilt, I feel guilty for also feeling like I'm making a break for myself and literally distancing myself from all of this drama. And I don't know that that's honestly what I think, but more that I'm excited to set off on a new adventure. It will honestly be a bit of a relief too though. And that does make me feel guilty. You see my fuddled thinking???? It's a tangle in there today!
I need to stop feeling guilty for doing something for myself. And it's not as though it's even about me. God is directing me......
Although, on days like today I begin to wonder if I've been mishearing Him all this time. Am I really supposed to be going to school? And if I am, am I supposed to be going now? Or perhaps next September when it would possibly be more convenient??
What am I doing? Am I moving in the right direction? Please I need to know!!!!
I think this is the root of all my anxiety today. I'm full of doubts and fears. I am so scared of taking even the tiniest of missteps for fear of putting into motion some horrible, life-shattering outcome. It's called catastrophizing: seeing a single event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. I'm also fortune-telling.... and then predicting catastrophic results from my anticipated demise in the near future as well.
It does help just being able to recognize that. It's as though a little light bulb goes on in my head. Catastrophizing..... I see.... that's what is going on. Fortune-telling too huh..... okay. Now I know what I'm dealing with.
(I think I'm also dealing with my third mind, which is "pre-menstrual" mind. That brings with it a whole different realm of crazy.)
But I'm getting quite tired now and needing to get to sleep. I love Seroquel.
It will be interesting to see what I will think of this post in a week's time when I'm more healthy.
And it's full of angry, scared, hopeless thoughts.
And it won't stop!
There's part of me, lately, that has been feeling guilty about moving away. I feel guilty because I know how much of a help I've been the past number of months, especially with everything with Sam. And also being that it is so unlikely that he's going to make it through another year, I feel guilty for taking off now in the last year of his life.
On top of that guilt, I feel guilty for also feeling like I'm making a break for myself and literally distancing myself from all of this drama. And I don't know that that's honestly what I think, but more that I'm excited to set off on a new adventure. It will honestly be a bit of a relief too though. And that does make me feel guilty. You see my fuddled thinking???? It's a tangle in there today!
I need to stop feeling guilty for doing something for myself. And it's not as though it's even about me. God is directing me......
Although, on days like today I begin to wonder if I've been mishearing Him all this time. Am I really supposed to be going to school? And if I am, am I supposed to be going now? Or perhaps next September when it would possibly be more convenient??
What am I doing? Am I moving in the right direction? Please I need to know!!!!
I think this is the root of all my anxiety today. I'm full of doubts and fears. I am so scared of taking even the tiniest of missteps for fear of putting into motion some horrible, life-shattering outcome. It's called catastrophizing: seeing a single event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. I'm also fortune-telling.... and then predicting catastrophic results from my anticipated demise in the near future as well.
It does help just being able to recognize that. It's as though a little light bulb goes on in my head. Catastrophizing..... I see.... that's what is going on. Fortune-telling too huh..... okay. Now I know what I'm dealing with.
(I think I'm also dealing with my third mind, which is "pre-menstrual" mind. That brings with it a whole different realm of crazy.)
But I'm getting quite tired now and needing to get to sleep. I love Seroquel.
It will be interesting to see what I will think of this post in a week's time when I'm more healthy.
Friday, December 17, 2010
'Tis the Season for Distress
I hate being so poor. I just got paid and I have a whopping $125 dollars to my name. That has to last for the next two weeks and I also have to somehow get my last few Christmas presents. And I owe some money to people who spotted me a few bucks here and there the last few days when I've really had nothing. And I'll need to refill a couple of my prescriptions probably next week or the week after; before I get paid next anyway.
But I also don't feel as though I can really complain since God has so clearly been taking care of me.
Working at Chapters definitely has its perks. We get unedited proofs of books or promotional copies from the publishers that aren't for sale and staff are allowed to take them home for free. I have taken advantage of that and got a couple Christmas gifts. Gifts that the recipients will genuinely be excited about too which is even more awesome. This weekend there is an employee appreciation event at work and I can get a super amazing discount on a lot of things too. So my last bit of Christmas shopping will be at Chapters tomorrow.
Also, God paid me for violin gigs unexpectedly. A number of weeks ago I provided dinner music at a friends' birthday party and I told her she didn't need to pay me, but she did anyway and in a manner that made it impossible for me to refuse. And I played at a Christmas party too and didn't expect any payment at all, but then the next day received a thank you card with $20 in it.
Here in Ontario we are getting these HST cheques to make up for the new tax that is supposed to be saving us from this recession. The cheques are really a joke, but also much needed right now. There was an article in the paper saying they were sent out a week ago. I have been anxiously awaiting this money. And I've been obsessively checking the mail. Still nothing. It's driving me crazy. Really it is.
The other day when I got home from work, for example, I went to see if there was mail for me and found only a letter from a friend. No money. I was angry and a little panicked, starting to cry and think 'what am I going to do????' Can you believe it? This cheque was more important to me than receiving a letter from a friend.
I later read the letter with a some guilt in not fully appreciating it when first receiving it. It was quite a lovely letter.
I am scared though. I am exhausting my credit and continue to have more urgent expenses. I have only three weeks before my classes begin at college and I still am not sure how I'm paying for it.
I waffle so much between thinking things will be okay because I'm following God and thinking I'm mad and a giant failure and I just need to give up. Who am I kidding?
Right now it literally looks like I will only be going to school if I receive a miracle. It's a hard place for me to be at the moment. Ya' know, when there is already so much other drama in my life with pancreatic cancer, moving, head injuries..... and I have an anxiety disorder as it is.
I'll hold onto this truth:
But I also don't feel as though I can really complain since God has so clearly been taking care of me.
Working at Chapters definitely has its perks. We get unedited proofs of books or promotional copies from the publishers that aren't for sale and staff are allowed to take them home for free. I have taken advantage of that and got a couple Christmas gifts. Gifts that the recipients will genuinely be excited about too which is even more awesome. This weekend there is an employee appreciation event at work and I can get a super amazing discount on a lot of things too. So my last bit of Christmas shopping will be at Chapters tomorrow.
Also, God paid me for violin gigs unexpectedly. A number of weeks ago I provided dinner music at a friends' birthday party and I told her she didn't need to pay me, but she did anyway and in a manner that made it impossible for me to refuse. And I played at a Christmas party too and didn't expect any payment at all, but then the next day received a thank you card with $20 in it.
Here in Ontario we are getting these HST cheques to make up for the new tax that is supposed to be saving us from this recession. The cheques are really a joke, but also much needed right now. There was an article in the paper saying they were sent out a week ago. I have been anxiously awaiting this money. And I've been obsessively checking the mail. Still nothing. It's driving me crazy. Really it is.
The other day when I got home from work, for example, I went to see if there was mail for me and found only a letter from a friend. No money. I was angry and a little panicked, starting to cry and think 'what am I going to do????' Can you believe it? This cheque was more important to me than receiving a letter from a friend.
I later read the letter with a some guilt in not fully appreciating it when first receiving it. It was quite a lovely letter.
I am scared though. I am exhausting my credit and continue to have more urgent expenses. I have only three weeks before my classes begin at college and I still am not sure how I'm paying for it.
I waffle so much between thinking things will be okay because I'm following God and thinking I'm mad and a giant failure and I just need to give up. Who am I kidding?
Right now it literally looks like I will only be going to school if I receive a miracle. It's a hard place for me to be at the moment. Ya' know, when there is already so much other drama in my life with pancreatic cancer, moving, head injuries..... and I have an anxiety disorder as it is.
I'll hold onto this truth:
Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:22-34
Theses verses have been really meaningful to me in the past when I had no clue how I was going to pay my tuition while in university. And it truly was miraculous how I was able to go to school, pay rent, eat and pay bills while getting only enough student loan money to pay for one term the whole year and supporting myself with only a part-time job.
I know who my God is. He is good and loving and a provider. He is not laughing maniacally at me from His palace in heaven or plotting my downfall. He's holding me up. He's got my back. I just need to trust.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thank You Jimmy Eat World!
One of my all-time favourite songs is The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. Here are the lyrics:
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
And you can listen and watch the video on youtube too.
A few days ago I was sitting waiting for the Christmas concert that my dad was involved in to start. I was sitting there thinking and lamenting about how I've gained weight. Crazy meds are notorious for that. I have clothes that don't fit and other clothes that just don't look nearly as nice anymore because I have more gut sticking out. It was making me feel horrible. Like I'm ugly, undesirable and disappointing. It even makes me feel like a failure. As though I've failed to maintain myself, failed to have self-control when those carb cravings hit.
On the way home I heard this song twice! I love it so much. And it's not as though gaining weight is the only thing I'm down about right now. I have a list of much more meaningful and worthy things to be concerned and depressed about. This song always reminds me that I'm okay just as I am and to stop comparing myself to others and trying to measure up to other's expectations.
It's just so perfect.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
And you can listen and watch the video on youtube too.
A few days ago I was sitting waiting for the Christmas concert that my dad was involved in to start. I was sitting there thinking and lamenting about how I've gained weight. Crazy meds are notorious for that. I have clothes that don't fit and other clothes that just don't look nearly as nice anymore because I have more gut sticking out. It was making me feel horrible. Like I'm ugly, undesirable and disappointing. It even makes me feel like a failure. As though I've failed to maintain myself, failed to have self-control when those carb cravings hit.
On the way home I heard this song twice! I love it so much. And it's not as though gaining weight is the only thing I'm down about right now. I have a list of much more meaningful and worthy things to be concerned and depressed about. This song always reminds me that I'm okay just as I am and to stop comparing myself to others and trying to measure up to other's expectations.
It's just so perfect.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sentinels
Tonight I spoke at my small group Bible study about having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder, about being in the sanitarium in the summer and the new direction I have for my life. It was amazing. I am so happy I did it and I'm so glad with how it went. I think I spoke better tonight than I ever have at Toastmasters. It was like confirmation that I'm following the path God has laid out for me. Yay!
I was so incredibly nervous beforehand and did a bunch of breathing exercises and mindfulness stuff before getting up in front of everyone. There were people there I had never met before and I had gone in thinking I was only going to be speaking in front of people I had been getting to know over the course of the past few months.
But I found my voice when I started speaking.
The Lord is good.
He is phenomenally good! I feel so overwhelmed to be made a part of the story of the world, of the universe even. Little, wee, insignificant blip that I am; I'm still one of God's vessels. He has brought me alongside Him in history and made me a link in the tapestry He has woven. And He doesn't even need me, He just loves me that much to include me.
And the other stories I heard tonight were so beautiful too. Really amazing stories with such care shown. God really knows us individually and cares for us in the unique ways that are meaningful for each of us. I was blown out of the water!
I've been struggling lately and have recently had some more drama dumped into my life...but I know God will always be there. That is the one constant I can depend on forever.
One of my favourite books of the Bible is Job....a lot because I relate to the suffering in a way, but also I love the chapters where God speaks about His creations and asks a bunch of rhetorical questions. Anyway, 19:25-27 are, "I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes -- I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!"
That's the kind of faith I'm talking about. Even when my skin is destroyed, I will see God! At the bleakest, I will see God!
So I got some big encouragement tonight. Not just from other people's stories, but also in knowing God used me and I am following Him.
My heart truly overflows when I think about God using me. I don't know how to describe it. I guess it's the beauty of being involved with something so vastly bigger than yourself and yet feeling like you matter at the same time. That's all I can say: indescribable.
I was so incredibly nervous beforehand and did a bunch of breathing exercises and mindfulness stuff before getting up in front of everyone. There were people there I had never met before and I had gone in thinking I was only going to be speaking in front of people I had been getting to know over the course of the past few months.
But I found my voice when I started speaking.
The Lord is good.
He is phenomenally good! I feel so overwhelmed to be made a part of the story of the world, of the universe even. Little, wee, insignificant blip that I am; I'm still one of God's vessels. He has brought me alongside Him in history and made me a link in the tapestry He has woven. And He doesn't even need me, He just loves me that much to include me.
And the other stories I heard tonight were so beautiful too. Really amazing stories with such care shown. God really knows us individually and cares for us in the unique ways that are meaningful for each of us. I was blown out of the water!
I've been struggling lately and have recently had some more drama dumped into my life...but I know God will always be there. That is the one constant I can depend on forever.
One of my favourite books of the Bible is Job....a lot because I relate to the suffering in a way, but also I love the chapters where God speaks about His creations and asks a bunch of rhetorical questions. Anyway, 19:25-27 are, "I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes -- I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!"
That's the kind of faith I'm talking about. Even when my skin is destroyed, I will see God! At the bleakest, I will see God!
So I got some big encouragement tonight. Not just from other people's stories, but also in knowing God used me and I am following Him.
My heart truly overflows when I think about God using me. I don't know how to describe it. I guess it's the beauty of being involved with something so vastly bigger than yourself and yet feeling like you matter at the same time. That's all I can say: indescribable.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dangers of Cruise Control
It has come to my attention that I am not coping well. I'm avoiding, withdrawing, not planning. And I've been eating more junk food.
Things I'm avoiding:
And this stuff is urgent!
I haven't been talking with friends. I've gone to the Mood Disorder Support Group, but haven't really been honest with all that is going on in my head.
I hate being sick! I feel scared of myself. Not like I'm going to physically harm myself, but that I'll sabotage myself in some way.
For example, I was supposed to go to a big, fancy Christmas party this weekend but that is canceled for me. It's my fault I'm not going. I didn't plan, I didn't communicate.
I'm not coping.
I think I just didn't see what was happening because I've been feeling somewhat happy. Ignorantly happy I guess. Everything important or pressing pushed to the periphery of my mind. Maybe really I was just coasting and not really living.
Maybe that's where the danger comes from. Coasting and going through the motions can give one the illusion of being fine, but really they're not.
I gotta get back behind the wheel.
Things I'm avoiding:
- financial planning for college
- planning the move to another city
- figuring out what I need for my new home
- other financial stuff, like the student loans I'm trying to pay off
And this stuff is urgent!
I haven't been talking with friends. I've gone to the Mood Disorder Support Group, but haven't really been honest with all that is going on in my head.
I hate being sick! I feel scared of myself. Not like I'm going to physically harm myself, but that I'll sabotage myself in some way.
For example, I was supposed to go to a big, fancy Christmas party this weekend but that is canceled for me. It's my fault I'm not going. I didn't plan, I didn't communicate.
I'm not coping.
I think I just didn't see what was happening because I've been feeling somewhat happy. Ignorantly happy I guess. Everything important or pressing pushed to the periphery of my mind. Maybe really I was just coasting and not really living.
Maybe that's where the danger comes from. Coasting and going through the motions can give one the illusion of being fine, but really they're not.
I gotta get back behind the wheel.
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