I am slowly going CCCCRAAAAAAZAAY!!!

I am a big jumble of emotions right now. My poor little mind has been reeling and reeling all day long. It won't rest.

And it's full of angry, scared, hopeless thoughts.

And it won't stop!

There's part of me, lately, that has been feeling guilty about moving away. I feel guilty because I know how much of a help I've been the past number of months, especially with everything with Sam. And also being that it is so unlikely that he's going to make it through another year, I feel guilty for taking off now in the last year of his life.

On top of that guilt, I feel guilty for also feeling like I'm making a break for myself and literally distancing myself from all of this drama. And I don't know that that's honestly what I think, but more that I'm excited to set off on a new adventure. It will honestly be a bit of a relief too though. And that does make me feel guilty. You see my fuddled thinking???? It's a tangle in there today!

I need to stop feeling guilty for doing something for myself. And it's not as though it's even about me. God is directing me......

Although, on days like today I begin to wonder if I've been mishearing Him all this time. Am I really supposed to be going to school? And if I am, am I supposed to be going now? Or perhaps next September when it would possibly be more convenient??

What am I doing? Am I moving in the right direction? Please I need to know!!!!

I think this is the root of all my anxiety today. I'm full of doubts and fears. I am so scared of taking even the tiniest of missteps for fear of putting into motion some horrible, life-shattering outcome. It's called catastrophizing: seeing a single event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. I'm also fortune-telling.... and then predicting catastrophic results from my anticipated demise in the near future as well.

It does help just being able to recognize that. It's as though a little light bulb goes on in my head. Catastrophizing..... I see.... that's what is going on. Fortune-telling too huh..... okay. Now I know what I'm dealing with.

(I think I'm also dealing with my third mind, which is "pre-menstrual" mind. That brings with it a whole different realm of crazy.)

But I'm getting quite tired now and needing to get to sleep. I love Seroquel.

It will be interesting to see what I will think of this post in a week's time when I'm more healthy.