Sentinels

Tonight I spoke at my small group Bible study about having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder, about being in the sanitarium in the summer and the new direction I have for my life. It was amazing. I am so happy I did it and I'm so glad with how it went. I think I spoke better tonight than I ever have at Toastmasters. It was like confirmation that I'm following the path God has laid out for me. Yay!

I was so incredibly nervous beforehand and did a bunch of breathing exercises and mindfulness stuff before getting up in front of everyone. There were people there I had never met before and I had gone in thinking I was only going to be speaking in front of people I had been getting to know over the course of the past few months.

But I found my voice when I started speaking.

The Lord is good.

He is phenomenally good! I feel so overwhelmed to be made a part of the story of the world, of the universe even. Little, wee, insignificant blip that I am; I'm still one of God's vessels. He has brought me alongside Him in history and made me a link in the tapestry He has woven. And He doesn't even need me, He just loves me that much to include me.

And the other stories I heard tonight were so beautiful too. Really amazing stories with such care shown. God really knows us individually and cares for us in the unique ways that are meaningful for each of us. I was blown out of the water!

I've been struggling lately and have recently had some more drama dumped into my life...but I know God will always be there. That is the one constant I can depend on forever.

One of my favourite books of the Bible is Job....a lot because I relate to the suffering in a way, but also I love the chapters where God speaks about His creations and asks a bunch of rhetorical questions. Anyway, 19:25-27 are, "I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes -- I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!"

That's the kind of faith I'm talking about. Even when my skin is destroyed, I will see God! At the bleakest, I will see God!

So I got some big encouragement tonight. Not just from other people's stories, but also in knowing God used me and I am following Him.

My heart truly overflows when I think about God using me. I don't know how to describe it. I guess it's the beauty of being involved with something so vastly bigger than yourself and yet feeling like you matter at the same time. That's all I can say: indescribable.