'Tis the Season for Distress

I hate being so poor. I just got paid and I have a whopping $125 dollars to my name. That has to last for the next two weeks and I also have to somehow get my last few Christmas presents. And I owe some money to people who spotted me a few bucks here and there the last few days when I've really had nothing. And I'll need to refill a couple of my prescriptions probably next week or the week after; before I get paid next anyway.

But I also don't feel as though I can really complain since God has so clearly been taking care of me.

Working at Chapters definitely has its perks. We get unedited proofs of books or promotional copies from the publishers that aren't for sale and staff are allowed to take them home for free. I have taken advantage of that and got a couple Christmas gifts. Gifts that the recipients will genuinely be excited about too which is even more awesome. This weekend there is an employee appreciation event at work and I can get a super amazing discount on a lot of things too. So my last bit of Christmas shopping will be at Chapters tomorrow.

Also, God paid me for violin gigs unexpectedly. A number of weeks ago I provided dinner music at a friends' birthday party and I told her she didn't need to pay me, but she did anyway and in a manner that made it impossible for me to refuse. And I played at a Christmas party too and didn't expect any payment at all, but then the next day received a thank you card with $20 in it.

Here in Ontario we are getting these HST cheques to make up for the new tax that is supposed to be saving us from this recession. The cheques are really a joke, but also much needed right now. There was an article in the paper saying they were sent out a week ago. I have been anxiously awaiting this money. And I've been obsessively checking the mail. Still nothing. It's driving me crazy. Really it is.

The other day when I got home from work, for example, I went to see if there was mail for me and found only a letter from a friend. No money. I was angry and a little panicked, starting to cry and think 'what am I going to do????' Can you believe it? This cheque was more important to me than receiving a letter from a friend.

I later read the letter with a some guilt in not fully appreciating it when first receiving it. It was quite a lovely letter.

I am scared though. I am exhausting my credit and continue to have more urgent expenses. I have only three weeks before my classes begin at college and I still am not sure how I'm paying for it.

I waffle so much between thinking things will be okay because I'm following God and thinking I'm mad and a giant failure and I just need to give up. Who am I kidding?

Right now it literally looks like I will only be going to school if I receive a miracle. It's a hard place for me to be at the moment. Ya' know, when there is already so much other drama in my life with pancreatic cancer, moving, head injuries..... and I have an anxiety disorder as it is.

I'll hold onto this truth:

Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?

“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.

“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:22-34

Theses verses have been really meaningful to me in the past when I had no clue how I was going to pay my tuition while in university. And it truly was miraculous how I was able to go to school, pay rent, eat and pay bills while getting only enough student loan money to pay for one term the whole year and supporting myself with only a part-time job.

I know who my God is. He is good and loving and a provider. He is not laughing maniacally at me from His palace in heaven or plotting my downfall. He's holding me up. He's got my back. I just need to trust.