Dennis Leary has a new book out right now called Suck on This Year. I completely agree. I can't wait for 2010 to be over.
Worst year EVER!
The year began with me being quite depressed and that continued for months and months until I finally ended up in the hospital.
Shortly after being discharged, we found out Sam has pancreatic cancer, our landlady started being even more of a pain and then we got evicted, I got fired, my uncle almost died from a massive head injury and is now brain injured and my mom and stepfather almost separated.
Ugh....
There is actually more, I'm just keeping it to myself.
It's not that everything is bad. I definitely have tons and tons to be thankful for. Lately, I've just started to cave under the pressure. I'm really needing a rest. The new year promises that, at least until classes start.
Today I started crying at a gas station when I went to pay and was unable to. I was buying gas for the family van and was given the debit card to use to pay for it. I couldn't remember the right pin number and ended up making it so that I couldn't use the card at all. And I couldn't use my credit card because it's almost maxed. So I started crying. I didn't know what else to do.
I've been pretty much useless since.
So, I think I might have a quick nap right now before going back to work cleaning and packing.
I hope to soon have a brain that is fully capable again.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I am slowly going CCCCRAAAAAAZAAY!!!
I am a big jumble of emotions right now. My poor little mind has been reeling and reeling all day long. It won't rest.
And it's full of angry, scared, hopeless thoughts.
And it won't stop!
There's part of me, lately, that has been feeling guilty about moving away. I feel guilty because I know how much of a help I've been the past number of months, especially with everything with Sam. And also being that it is so unlikely that he's going to make it through another year, I feel guilty for taking off now in the last year of his life.
On top of that guilt, I feel guilty for also feeling like I'm making a break for myself and literally distancing myself from all of this drama. And I don't know that that's honestly what I think, but more that I'm excited to set off on a new adventure. It will honestly be a bit of a relief too though. And that does make me feel guilty. You see my fuddled thinking???? It's a tangle in there today!
I need to stop feeling guilty for doing something for myself. And it's not as though it's even about me. God is directing me......
Although, on days like today I begin to wonder if I've been mishearing Him all this time. Am I really supposed to be going to school? And if I am, am I supposed to be going now? Or perhaps next September when it would possibly be more convenient??
What am I doing? Am I moving in the right direction? Please I need to know!!!!
I think this is the root of all my anxiety today. I'm full of doubts and fears. I am so scared of taking even the tiniest of missteps for fear of putting into motion some horrible, life-shattering outcome. It's called catastrophizing: seeing a single event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. I'm also fortune-telling.... and then predicting catastrophic results from my anticipated demise in the near future as well.
It does help just being able to recognize that. It's as though a little light bulb goes on in my head. Catastrophizing..... I see.... that's what is going on. Fortune-telling too huh..... okay. Now I know what I'm dealing with.
(I think I'm also dealing with my third mind, which is "pre-menstrual" mind. That brings with it a whole different realm of crazy.)
But I'm getting quite tired now and needing to get to sleep. I love Seroquel.
It will be interesting to see what I will think of this post in a week's time when I'm more healthy.
And it's full of angry, scared, hopeless thoughts.
And it won't stop!
There's part of me, lately, that has been feeling guilty about moving away. I feel guilty because I know how much of a help I've been the past number of months, especially with everything with Sam. And also being that it is so unlikely that he's going to make it through another year, I feel guilty for taking off now in the last year of his life.
On top of that guilt, I feel guilty for also feeling like I'm making a break for myself and literally distancing myself from all of this drama. And I don't know that that's honestly what I think, but more that I'm excited to set off on a new adventure. It will honestly be a bit of a relief too though. And that does make me feel guilty. You see my fuddled thinking???? It's a tangle in there today!
I need to stop feeling guilty for doing something for myself. And it's not as though it's even about me. God is directing me......
Although, on days like today I begin to wonder if I've been mishearing Him all this time. Am I really supposed to be going to school? And if I am, am I supposed to be going now? Or perhaps next September when it would possibly be more convenient??
What am I doing? Am I moving in the right direction? Please I need to know!!!!
I think this is the root of all my anxiety today. I'm full of doubts and fears. I am so scared of taking even the tiniest of missteps for fear of putting into motion some horrible, life-shattering outcome. It's called catastrophizing: seeing a single event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. I'm also fortune-telling.... and then predicting catastrophic results from my anticipated demise in the near future as well.
It does help just being able to recognize that. It's as though a little light bulb goes on in my head. Catastrophizing..... I see.... that's what is going on. Fortune-telling too huh..... okay. Now I know what I'm dealing with.
(I think I'm also dealing with my third mind, which is "pre-menstrual" mind. That brings with it a whole different realm of crazy.)
But I'm getting quite tired now and needing to get to sleep. I love Seroquel.
It will be interesting to see what I will think of this post in a week's time when I'm more healthy.
Friday, December 17, 2010
'Tis the Season for Distress
I hate being so poor. I just got paid and I have a whopping $125 dollars to my name. That has to last for the next two weeks and I also have to somehow get my last few Christmas presents. And I owe some money to people who spotted me a few bucks here and there the last few days when I've really had nothing. And I'll need to refill a couple of my prescriptions probably next week or the week after; before I get paid next anyway.
But I also don't feel as though I can really complain since God has so clearly been taking care of me.
Working at Chapters definitely has its perks. We get unedited proofs of books or promotional copies from the publishers that aren't for sale and staff are allowed to take them home for free. I have taken advantage of that and got a couple Christmas gifts. Gifts that the recipients will genuinely be excited about too which is even more awesome. This weekend there is an employee appreciation event at work and I can get a super amazing discount on a lot of things too. So my last bit of Christmas shopping will be at Chapters tomorrow.
Also, God paid me for violin gigs unexpectedly. A number of weeks ago I provided dinner music at a friends' birthday party and I told her she didn't need to pay me, but she did anyway and in a manner that made it impossible for me to refuse. And I played at a Christmas party too and didn't expect any payment at all, but then the next day received a thank you card with $20 in it.
Here in Ontario we are getting these HST cheques to make up for the new tax that is supposed to be saving us from this recession. The cheques are really a joke, but also much needed right now. There was an article in the paper saying they were sent out a week ago. I have been anxiously awaiting this money. And I've been obsessively checking the mail. Still nothing. It's driving me crazy. Really it is.
The other day when I got home from work, for example, I went to see if there was mail for me and found only a letter from a friend. No money. I was angry and a little panicked, starting to cry and think 'what am I going to do????' Can you believe it? This cheque was more important to me than receiving a letter from a friend.
I later read the letter with a some guilt in not fully appreciating it when first receiving it. It was quite a lovely letter.
I am scared though. I am exhausting my credit and continue to have more urgent expenses. I have only three weeks before my classes begin at college and I still am not sure how I'm paying for it.
I waffle so much between thinking things will be okay because I'm following God and thinking I'm mad and a giant failure and I just need to give up. Who am I kidding?
Right now it literally looks like I will only be going to school if I receive a miracle. It's a hard place for me to be at the moment. Ya' know, when there is already so much other drama in my life with pancreatic cancer, moving, head injuries..... and I have an anxiety disorder as it is.
I'll hold onto this truth:
But I also don't feel as though I can really complain since God has so clearly been taking care of me.
Working at Chapters definitely has its perks. We get unedited proofs of books or promotional copies from the publishers that aren't for sale and staff are allowed to take them home for free. I have taken advantage of that and got a couple Christmas gifts. Gifts that the recipients will genuinely be excited about too which is even more awesome. This weekend there is an employee appreciation event at work and I can get a super amazing discount on a lot of things too. So my last bit of Christmas shopping will be at Chapters tomorrow.
Also, God paid me for violin gigs unexpectedly. A number of weeks ago I provided dinner music at a friends' birthday party and I told her she didn't need to pay me, but she did anyway and in a manner that made it impossible for me to refuse. And I played at a Christmas party too and didn't expect any payment at all, but then the next day received a thank you card with $20 in it.
Here in Ontario we are getting these HST cheques to make up for the new tax that is supposed to be saving us from this recession. The cheques are really a joke, but also much needed right now. There was an article in the paper saying they were sent out a week ago. I have been anxiously awaiting this money. And I've been obsessively checking the mail. Still nothing. It's driving me crazy. Really it is.
The other day when I got home from work, for example, I went to see if there was mail for me and found only a letter from a friend. No money. I was angry and a little panicked, starting to cry and think 'what am I going to do????' Can you believe it? This cheque was more important to me than receiving a letter from a friend.
I later read the letter with a some guilt in not fully appreciating it when first receiving it. It was quite a lovely letter.
I am scared though. I am exhausting my credit and continue to have more urgent expenses. I have only three weeks before my classes begin at college and I still am not sure how I'm paying for it.
I waffle so much between thinking things will be okay because I'm following God and thinking I'm mad and a giant failure and I just need to give up. Who am I kidding?
Right now it literally looks like I will only be going to school if I receive a miracle. It's a hard place for me to be at the moment. Ya' know, when there is already so much other drama in my life with pancreatic cancer, moving, head injuries..... and I have an anxiety disorder as it is.
I'll hold onto this truth:
Then Jesus said to his disciples: “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. For life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?“Consider how the wild flowers grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you—you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well.
“Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will never fail, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Luke 12:22-34
Theses verses have been really meaningful to me in the past when I had no clue how I was going to pay my tuition while in university. And it truly was miraculous how I was able to go to school, pay rent, eat and pay bills while getting only enough student loan money to pay for one term the whole year and supporting myself with only a part-time job.
I know who my God is. He is good and loving and a provider. He is not laughing maniacally at me from His palace in heaven or plotting my downfall. He's holding me up. He's got my back. I just need to trust.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thank You Jimmy Eat World!
One of my all-time favourite songs is The Middle by Jimmy Eat World. Here are the lyrics:
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
And you can listen and watch the video on youtube too.
A few days ago I was sitting waiting for the Christmas concert that my dad was involved in to start. I was sitting there thinking and lamenting about how I've gained weight. Crazy meds are notorious for that. I have clothes that don't fit and other clothes that just don't look nearly as nice anymore because I have more gut sticking out. It was making me feel horrible. Like I'm ugly, undesirable and disappointing. It even makes me feel like a failure. As though I've failed to maintain myself, failed to have self-control when those carb cravings hit.
On the way home I heard this song twice! I love it so much. And it's not as though gaining weight is the only thing I'm down about right now. I have a list of much more meaningful and worthy things to be concerned and depressed about. This song always reminds me that I'm okay just as I am and to stop comparing myself to others and trying to measure up to other's expectations.
It's just so perfect.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just try your best, try everything you can.
And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, you know they're all the same.
You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.
Live right now.
Yeah, just be yourself.
It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
Hey, don't write yourself off yet.
It's only in your head you feel left out or looked down on.
Just do your best, do everything you can.
And don't you worry what the bitter hearts are gonna say.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride.
Everything will be just fine, everything will be alright.
And you can listen and watch the video on youtube too.
A few days ago I was sitting waiting for the Christmas concert that my dad was involved in to start. I was sitting there thinking and lamenting about how I've gained weight. Crazy meds are notorious for that. I have clothes that don't fit and other clothes that just don't look nearly as nice anymore because I have more gut sticking out. It was making me feel horrible. Like I'm ugly, undesirable and disappointing. It even makes me feel like a failure. As though I've failed to maintain myself, failed to have self-control when those carb cravings hit.
On the way home I heard this song twice! I love it so much. And it's not as though gaining weight is the only thing I'm down about right now. I have a list of much more meaningful and worthy things to be concerned and depressed about. This song always reminds me that I'm okay just as I am and to stop comparing myself to others and trying to measure up to other's expectations.
It's just so perfect.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sentinels
Tonight I spoke at my small group Bible study about having Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and Major Depressive Disorder, about being in the sanitarium in the summer and the new direction I have for my life. It was amazing. I am so happy I did it and I'm so glad with how it went. I think I spoke better tonight than I ever have at Toastmasters. It was like confirmation that I'm following the path God has laid out for me. Yay!
I was so incredibly nervous beforehand and did a bunch of breathing exercises and mindfulness stuff before getting up in front of everyone. There were people there I had never met before and I had gone in thinking I was only going to be speaking in front of people I had been getting to know over the course of the past few months.
But I found my voice when I started speaking.
The Lord is good.
He is phenomenally good! I feel so overwhelmed to be made a part of the story of the world, of the universe even. Little, wee, insignificant blip that I am; I'm still one of God's vessels. He has brought me alongside Him in history and made me a link in the tapestry He has woven. And He doesn't even need me, He just loves me that much to include me.
And the other stories I heard tonight were so beautiful too. Really amazing stories with such care shown. God really knows us individually and cares for us in the unique ways that are meaningful for each of us. I was blown out of the water!
I've been struggling lately and have recently had some more drama dumped into my life...but I know God will always be there. That is the one constant I can depend on forever.
One of my favourite books of the Bible is Job....a lot because I relate to the suffering in a way, but also I love the chapters where God speaks about His creations and asks a bunch of rhetorical questions. Anyway, 19:25-27 are, "I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes -- I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!"
That's the kind of faith I'm talking about. Even when my skin is destroyed, I will see God! At the bleakest, I will see God!
So I got some big encouragement tonight. Not just from other people's stories, but also in knowing God used me and I am following Him.
My heart truly overflows when I think about God using me. I don't know how to describe it. I guess it's the beauty of being involved with something so vastly bigger than yourself and yet feeling like you matter at the same time. That's all I can say: indescribable.
I was so incredibly nervous beforehand and did a bunch of breathing exercises and mindfulness stuff before getting up in front of everyone. There were people there I had never met before and I had gone in thinking I was only going to be speaking in front of people I had been getting to know over the course of the past few months.
But I found my voice when I started speaking.
The Lord is good.
He is phenomenally good! I feel so overwhelmed to be made a part of the story of the world, of the universe even. Little, wee, insignificant blip that I am; I'm still one of God's vessels. He has brought me alongside Him in history and made me a link in the tapestry He has woven. And He doesn't even need me, He just loves me that much to include me.
And the other stories I heard tonight were so beautiful too. Really amazing stories with such care shown. God really knows us individually and cares for us in the unique ways that are meaningful for each of us. I was blown out of the water!
I've been struggling lately and have recently had some more drama dumped into my life...but I know God will always be there. That is the one constant I can depend on forever.
One of my favourite books of the Bible is Job....a lot because I relate to the suffering in a way, but also I love the chapters where God speaks about His creations and asks a bunch of rhetorical questions. Anyway, 19:25-27 are, "I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth. And after my skin has been destroyed, yet in my flesh I will see God. I myself will see him with my own eyes -- I, and not another. How my heart yearns within me!"
That's the kind of faith I'm talking about. Even when my skin is destroyed, I will see God! At the bleakest, I will see God!
So I got some big encouragement tonight. Not just from other people's stories, but also in knowing God used me and I am following Him.
My heart truly overflows when I think about God using me. I don't know how to describe it. I guess it's the beauty of being involved with something so vastly bigger than yourself and yet feeling like you matter at the same time. That's all I can say: indescribable.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
Dangers of Cruise Control
It has come to my attention that I am not coping well. I'm avoiding, withdrawing, not planning. And I've been eating more junk food.
Things I'm avoiding:
And this stuff is urgent!
I haven't been talking with friends. I've gone to the Mood Disorder Support Group, but haven't really been honest with all that is going on in my head.
I hate being sick! I feel scared of myself. Not like I'm going to physically harm myself, but that I'll sabotage myself in some way.
For example, I was supposed to go to a big, fancy Christmas party this weekend but that is canceled for me. It's my fault I'm not going. I didn't plan, I didn't communicate.
I'm not coping.
I think I just didn't see what was happening because I've been feeling somewhat happy. Ignorantly happy I guess. Everything important or pressing pushed to the periphery of my mind. Maybe really I was just coasting and not really living.
Maybe that's where the danger comes from. Coasting and going through the motions can give one the illusion of being fine, but really they're not.
I gotta get back behind the wheel.
Things I'm avoiding:
- financial planning for college
- planning the move to another city
- figuring out what I need for my new home
- other financial stuff, like the student loans I'm trying to pay off
And this stuff is urgent!
I haven't been talking with friends. I've gone to the Mood Disorder Support Group, but haven't really been honest with all that is going on in my head.
I hate being sick! I feel scared of myself. Not like I'm going to physically harm myself, but that I'll sabotage myself in some way.
For example, I was supposed to go to a big, fancy Christmas party this weekend but that is canceled for me. It's my fault I'm not going. I didn't plan, I didn't communicate.
I'm not coping.
I think I just didn't see what was happening because I've been feeling somewhat happy. Ignorantly happy I guess. Everything important or pressing pushed to the periphery of my mind. Maybe really I was just coasting and not really living.
Maybe that's where the danger comes from. Coasting and going through the motions can give one the illusion of being fine, but really they're not.
I gotta get back behind the wheel.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Working and dating
I'm working again. I just got hired at Chapters for over the Christmas season of retail frenzy. I'm excited because I love books and I could get at a job at the Chapters in my new city when I leave for college.
Not much has changed as of late. Things have been fairly smooth which has been nice.
Sam asked me on a date. He loves me. It's very sweet. But also anxiety inducing. The last thing I want to do is cause him any emotional pain in his last days.....especially emotional pain that could precipitate his end sooner.
He has never been on a date before and I honestly think of him more as a family member, as a brother. I don't want to deny him some happiness when there is likely more pain and sickness to come for him. Because this is his first date, and could very possibly be his only date, I feel the pressure that much more. Sometimes I wonder if agreeing to go was a mistake.
My best friend, who is also Sam's niece, has given me some good advice. She suggested having a script and having about three of them that say the same thing but in different ways so that Sam will be sure to understand. I need to be absolutely honest and gentle too.
I'm scared. I feel like crying thinking about it...and puking. So much homework needed to do on this one.
Not much has changed as of late. Things have been fairly smooth which has been nice.
Sam asked me on a date. He loves me. It's very sweet. But also anxiety inducing. The last thing I want to do is cause him any emotional pain in his last days.....especially emotional pain that could precipitate his end sooner.
He has never been on a date before and I honestly think of him more as a family member, as a brother. I don't want to deny him some happiness when there is likely more pain and sickness to come for him. Because this is his first date, and could very possibly be his only date, I feel the pressure that much more. Sometimes I wonder if agreeing to go was a mistake.
My best friend, who is also Sam's niece, has given me some good advice. She suggested having a script and having about three of them that say the same thing but in different ways so that Sam will be sure to understand. I need to be absolutely honest and gentle too.
I'm scared. I feel like crying thinking about it...and puking. So much homework needed to do on this one.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
I've decided
I'm sick and tired of people saying things about Sam's impending death like, "At least he'll be in a better place," or, "He won't be in any suffering anymore." I've made a decision on these kinds of pat, BULLSHIT answers!
Sam's life isn't any less of a life because he has disabilities. Saying it's a blessing for him to die is just plan messed up! It's sounds more like a person is supporting euthanasia rather than cherishing life in all it's fullness and variety. When Sam came to a full understanding of his disease and his prognosis in that appointment a couple weeks ago saying, "So you're saying I'm going to die?" he was devastated. He was devastated just as much as anyone else would be! He loves his life. He wasn't thinking anything like, 'well at least in heaven I won't be brain injured anymore. Then life will really start.'
Who really wants to die?? (Besides the suicidals.... and I actually don't think most of them truly want to die either, but that's another discussion.)
Sam has had a hard, unfortunate life. But it's a life. I can understand why he wouldn't want to leave it.
And yes, I fully understand that "to live is Christ and to die is gain"(Philippians 1:21) and that "whoever wants to save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for me[Jesus] will find it"(Matthew 16:25). Ya' know, when I look at these verses now, I don't see that they necessarily mean that it's great to die because then you're in heaven. Remember "to live is Christ." It is so beautiful to be on this earth knowing the Lord. What good am I to God dead? Would I be writing this blog? No! And I wouldn't be doing any other kind of work for God either. Not here on earth anyway. I'd be in heaven singing praises to God, which albeit will be pretty awesome, but it's not doing anything toward any good works here on this suffering planet. God likes us alive too.
Sam is not dead yet, so please don't talk to me like he is! Things really look bad right now. He has been very, very sick and is back in the hospital and today I started questioning whether he will even make it to Christmas. This is immensely hard to deal with. I need people to mourn with me. "Mourn with those who mourn"(Romans 12:15). "Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ"(Galatians 6:2).
Sam's life isn't any less of a life because he has disabilities. Saying it's a blessing for him to die is just plan messed up! It's sounds more like a person is supporting euthanasia rather than cherishing life in all it's fullness and variety. When Sam came to a full understanding of his disease and his prognosis in that appointment a couple weeks ago saying, "So you're saying I'm going to die?" he was devastated. He was devastated just as much as anyone else would be! He loves his life. He wasn't thinking anything like, 'well at least in heaven I won't be brain injured anymore. Then life will really start.'
Who really wants to die?? (Besides the suicidals.... and I actually don't think most of them truly want to die either, but that's another discussion.)
Sam has had a hard, unfortunate life. But it's a life. I can understand why he wouldn't want to leave it.
And yes, I fully understand that "to live is Christ and to die is gain"(Philippians 1:21) and that "whoever wants to save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for me[Jesus] will find it"(Matthew 16:25). Ya' know, when I look at these verses now, I don't see that they necessarily mean that it's great to die because then you're in heaven. Remember "to live is Christ." It is so beautiful to be on this earth knowing the Lord. What good am I to God dead? Would I be writing this blog? No! And I wouldn't be doing any other kind of work for God either. Not here on earth anyway. I'd be in heaven singing praises to God, which albeit will be pretty awesome, but it's not doing anything toward any good works here on this suffering planet. God likes us alive too.
Sam is not dead yet, so please don't talk to me like he is! Things really look bad right now. He has been very, very sick and is back in the hospital and today I started questioning whether he will even make it to Christmas. This is immensely hard to deal with. I need people to mourn with me. "Mourn with those who mourn"(Romans 12:15). "Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ"(Galatians 6:2).
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Jobless
I remember when I talked to my doctor about getting a little time off work because I was so stressed out about Sam's health problems and landlord problems and my doctor warned me that being off work can become a habit of sorts. A person can get used to being unemployed.
I am not used to being unemployed! I want to work. I need to work.
I have a number of pressing bills coming up and social assistance is just not going to cut it. I find comfort in telling myself that God is on my side and that He will help. It's really hard to keep from worrying though.
And I've been feeling more dead inside this week. It's unpleasant.... not just for me either. I don't like who I am when I'm depressed. Not one bit. I'm apathetic and selfish.
What I find strange is I've been taking better care of myself this week -- getting to bed at a good time (except right now), regular exercise. I guess I'd just be that much more worse if I wasn't.
One thing I can say about my current job predicament is that I struggle between thinking it has either been the right or wrong thing for me to be unemployed. Being without a job has opened me up for helping more with Sam and helping more around the house which I know is a big support. It has also created a buffer for me to take care of myself amidst all the chaos.
Thus far I haven't had any problems paying my bills, but now I'm suddenly being inundated with expenses.
I just have to pray and know that God will provide. I really do believe there has been a reason for my unemployment. But I think it's time for me to work again. Being jobless is starting to take a toll on my mental health. I'm really starting to believe some of those distorted thoughts telling me that I'm unemployable or useless or pathetic. Albeit a job can't make me happy or be the reason for fulfillment (or lack of) in my life, it would certainly give me a boost. The structure a job provides for your day is so needed in my life right now too, besides the monetary benefits.
I am not used to being unemployed! I want to work. I need to work.
I have a number of pressing bills coming up and social assistance is just not going to cut it. I find comfort in telling myself that God is on my side and that He will help. It's really hard to keep from worrying though.
And I've been feeling more dead inside this week. It's unpleasant.... not just for me either. I don't like who I am when I'm depressed. Not one bit. I'm apathetic and selfish.
What I find strange is I've been taking better care of myself this week -- getting to bed at a good time (except right now), regular exercise. I guess I'd just be that much more worse if I wasn't.
One thing I can say about my current job predicament is that I struggle between thinking it has either been the right or wrong thing for me to be unemployed. Being without a job has opened me up for helping more with Sam and helping more around the house which I know is a big support. It has also created a buffer for me to take care of myself amidst all the chaos.
Thus far I haven't had any problems paying my bills, but now I'm suddenly being inundated with expenses.
I just have to pray and know that God will provide. I really do believe there has been a reason for my unemployment. But I think it's time for me to work again. Being jobless is starting to take a toll on my mental health. I'm really starting to believe some of those distorted thoughts telling me that I'm unemployable or useless or pathetic. Albeit a job can't make me happy or be the reason for fulfillment (or lack of) in my life, it would certainly give me a boost. The structure a job provides for your day is so needed in my life right now too, besides the monetary benefits.
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Sky's the Limit....?
Ugh.....writing a novel is way too hard. In NaNoWriMo, you're supposed to write 50 000 words by the end of the month. It's impossible. For me it is anyway. I know some people can whip it off no problem. So far I have around 3 000 words which means I'm way behind in trying to accomplish the goal. Oh well...
I've been accepted to college for Community and Justice Services and I will be leaving the city where I currently live. That was unexpected, but it's okay. I have new beginnings ahead. Exciting times.
I should be excited shouldn't I? And I definitely was in the past week, but I'm at a low today. This is usual for my depression, but I didn't prepare for it. I went to my new city of residence and looked at some potential places to live over the weekend. I have some specific things I'm praying for in a place to live: a garden and laundry. I found that in one place. Plus the house is close to the college, on a bus route, in a beautiful area and my potential landlords are super nice, one of them being a life coach which would be really good for me, no? I also got to see a good friend of mine on the weekend that I haven't seen in a long time because she has been out of the country. I had an eventful weekend.
When I have a lot going on and especially when I'm emotionally charged about it, as in I'm excited about going to college in a couple months, moving to a great place (hopefully) and seeing a friend I hadn't seen in a long time, I tend to fall afterward. I'll be happy and then crash into the dumps.
That's where I am now.
But it's not as though I'm right at rock bottom. I'm not wanting to run out in front of a bus or anything. I just feel apathetic. I'm tired and cranky. I think it's clear in the way I'm writing right now that I don't have much inspiration or personality at the moment. My words all sound blah.... Sorry to you dear reader.
In my heart I'm truly excited about going to college and living in this one particular place. And I know I have faith somewhere in there that God will help me with all the crazy expenses coming up. He has already helped me with my tuition.
This is my unhealthy mind speaking today. I can see that it is illness. The faith I have and the hope for my future is being clouded over by it today, but it will pass. Today I'm focusing on small problems that distract me from the amazingness that is going on in my life right now.
I've been accepted to college for Community and Justice Services and I will be leaving the city where I currently live. That was unexpected, but it's okay. I have new beginnings ahead. Exciting times.
I should be excited shouldn't I? And I definitely was in the past week, but I'm at a low today. This is usual for my depression, but I didn't prepare for it. I went to my new city of residence and looked at some potential places to live over the weekend. I have some specific things I'm praying for in a place to live: a garden and laundry. I found that in one place. Plus the house is close to the college, on a bus route, in a beautiful area and my potential landlords are super nice, one of them being a life coach which would be really good for me, no? I also got to see a good friend of mine on the weekend that I haven't seen in a long time because she has been out of the country. I had an eventful weekend.
When I have a lot going on and especially when I'm emotionally charged about it, as in I'm excited about going to college in a couple months, moving to a great place (hopefully) and seeing a friend I hadn't seen in a long time, I tend to fall afterward. I'll be happy and then crash into the dumps.
That's where I am now.
But it's not as though I'm right at rock bottom. I'm not wanting to run out in front of a bus or anything. I just feel apathetic. I'm tired and cranky. I think it's clear in the way I'm writing right now that I don't have much inspiration or personality at the moment. My words all sound blah.... Sorry to you dear reader.
In my heart I'm truly excited about going to college and living in this one particular place. And I know I have faith somewhere in there that God will help me with all the crazy expenses coming up. He has already helped me with my tuition.
This is my unhealthy mind speaking today. I can see that it is illness. The faith I have and the hope for my future is being clouded over by it today, but it will pass. Today I'm focusing on small problems that distract me from the amazingness that is going on in my life right now.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
NaNoWriMo
I'm working on a novel as part of National Novel Writing Month. Not sure how much blogging I'll be getting done in the mean time.
I'm excited about possibly having a novel written by the end of the month, even if there is a lot of crap in it to wade through and toss.
I'm excited about possibly having a novel written by the end of the month, even if there is a lot of crap in it to wade through and toss.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
The Rollercoaster
One day up, the next day down.
Yesterday was a rather exciting day as I put some finishing touches on my plans for the future. As I had alluded to in an earlier post, I've been considering going into the law profession; namely advocacy.
Even before I got fired I had started the process of reconsidering my career and possibly changing my direction. I've had two appointments with a career counselor and they have been very informative and insightful. The extra time off I've had as of late has allowed me to do a little more soul searching so I can figure out exactly what I want to do. And because my faith is such a large part of my life, I've also been considering and trying to figure out God's plans for me.
I had an epiphany last week about my purpose in life. It started in my Bible study, where we have been learning about our "S.H.A.P.E."
S -> Spiritual Gifts
H -> Heart
A -> Abilities
P -> Personality
E -> Experiences
All of these aspects of a person contribute to their purpose in life, what God has made them best suited for.
Everyone in our Bible study was encouraged to do an on-line spiritual gifts test. My top-scoring gifts are faith, discernment, mercy, writing, teaching and knowledge.
I'm sure some of you are wondering, "What are spiritual gifts?" Well, here's what the Bible has to say about them.
Yesterday was a rather exciting day as I put some finishing touches on my plans for the future. As I had alluded to in an earlier post, I've been considering going into the law profession; namely advocacy.
Even before I got fired I had started the process of reconsidering my career and possibly changing my direction. I've had two appointments with a career counselor and they have been very informative and insightful. The extra time off I've had as of late has allowed me to do a little more soul searching so I can figure out exactly what I want to do. And because my faith is such a large part of my life, I've also been considering and trying to figure out God's plans for me.
I had an epiphany last week about my purpose in life. It started in my Bible study, where we have been learning about our "S.H.A.P.E."
S -> Spiritual Gifts
H -> Heart
A -> Abilities
P -> Personality
E -> Experiences
All of these aspects of a person contribute to their purpose in life, what God has made them best suited for.
Everyone in our Bible study was encouraged to do an on-line spiritual gifts test. My top-scoring gifts are faith, discernment, mercy, writing, teaching and knowledge.
I'm sure some of you are wondering, "What are spiritual gifts?" Well, here's what the Bible has to say about them.
There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines. (1 Corinthians 12:4-11)
That is just one passage of many dealing with the different ways God enables people to do good works in the world. A few of my gifts were mentioned there: knowledge, faith, distinguishing between spirits (discernment).
In summary, God gives His people abilities so that "each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms"(1 Peter 4:10). All of the abilities are for serving other people, not for ourselves.
The rest of the "S.H.A.P.E" stuff is fairly self-explanatory. Heart as in what I'm passionate about, blah, blah, blah....
- Heart: I care about justice. I want to see people overcome injustice. I also like to influence people. I love writing and researching and learning.
- Abilities: I'm a good writer; I can teach, counsel, research. I'm a little artsy-fartsy too.
- Personality: According to Myers-Briggs I'm an INFP which means Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling and Perceiving. I know what it means and if you're really that interested, you can google it.
- Experiences: I have plenty of experience with mental illness! And I have my school experiences and work experiences....Too much to go into in depth here.
After considering all of these different aspects of my life and also thinking about the work I had done in my career counseling sessions, I realized I'm suited for work in advocacy!
So then I started looking into law schools. Don't want to bother with university because I really don't want to be a full-fledge lawyer. I looked into college programs and found something perfect for me. And I can start in January!
Yesterday I filled out the application and paid the application fee. Now I just need to wait.
Needless to say, it was very exciting for me yesterday, having something figured out for myself. A direction, a place to live. Now I'm looking for temporary employment. I have plans!
Today, Sam's consultation with a surgeon about the possibilities and complications of surgery for the pancreatic cancer.
Today was a downer. Especially now that Sam has a full understanding of what his disease is and how he could die very soon.
Part way through our talk with the doctor, Sam said, "So you're saying I'm going to die?" I was shaking the whole time, making it difficult to take notes. Sam has been crying off and on throughout the day.
I can't imagine what it must be like to find out it's likely you're going to be dead in a year.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
New Cancer and Other Health Developments
Sam is again on his way to the emergency room. His urine is getting dark again and his bowels aren't moving normally either. I'm scared something may have happened with the stent. Is the tumor growing and putting pressure on the stent, causing it to collapse? Is it something else?
I really didn't think he would be heading back to the hospital so soon. Maybe I'm just naive about pancreatic cancer and death.
I've had some more catastrophic health news involving my uncle. He is suffering from a head injury from a fall in his home. No one is completely sure what the fall was from because he was home alone. Stroke? Seizure? Both? Was he drunk?
When I first found out about my uncle, I really thought he was going to die. It sounded so dire. He seems to be okay right now, but he's still in the hospital and the doctors are still not sure what is going to happen. They aren't sure about the extent of brain damage. I guess he's still unstable.
This is an uncle of mine on my mom's side of the family. My mom's family doesn't talk about things very openly. It's so frustrating! I hate feeling so in the dark about my uncle's state.
I've been more anxious and depressed this weekend. Last night I would have loved to have seen UFC 121, but I just couldn't take being around a crowd of people. I was out with my dad earlier in the day and I borrowed his truck to do a little shopping while he was busy at his church and I was not doing well with driving. I later told him I never want a standard transmission vehicle because it is just too much stress. But I was just one big ball of anxiety yesterday.
I really didn't think he would be heading back to the hospital so soon. Maybe I'm just naive about pancreatic cancer and death.
I've had some more catastrophic health news involving my uncle. He is suffering from a head injury from a fall in his home. No one is completely sure what the fall was from because he was home alone. Stroke? Seizure? Both? Was he drunk?
When I first found out about my uncle, I really thought he was going to die. It sounded so dire. He seems to be okay right now, but he's still in the hospital and the doctors are still not sure what is going to happen. They aren't sure about the extent of brain damage. I guess he's still unstable.
This is an uncle of mine on my mom's side of the family. My mom's family doesn't talk about things very openly. It's so frustrating! I hate feeling so in the dark about my uncle's state.
I've been more anxious and depressed this weekend. Last night I would have loved to have seen UFC 121, but I just couldn't take being around a crowd of people. I was out with my dad earlier in the day and I borrowed his truck to do a little shopping while he was busy at his church and I was not doing well with driving. I later told him I never want a standard transmission vehicle because it is just too much stress. But I was just one big ball of anxiety yesterday.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Housing
3-9 years.
....is how long the wait is for subsidized housing in my city. I need to move in less than 3 months!
Some form of subsidized housing was a big hope for me as a person who is out of work and with a disability.
The wind has been taken out of my sails.
My prayers for a home include space for a garden and laundry on-site or at least right next door. I don't want to have to take a bus across town in order to do laundry. Especially since I take martial arts and need to wash my gear fairly regularly.
We'll see what happens.
I was feeling pretty depressed after going to the Housing office. Wandered aimlessly around downtown for a while. Now I'm in a coffee shop using the free wi-fi.
I'm thinking about going back to school.....for law. More about that later.
....is how long the wait is for subsidized housing in my city. I need to move in less than 3 months!
Some form of subsidized housing was a big hope for me as a person who is out of work and with a disability.
The wind has been taken out of my sails.
My prayers for a home include space for a garden and laundry on-site or at least right next door. I don't want to have to take a bus across town in order to do laundry. Especially since I take martial arts and need to wash my gear fairly regularly.
We'll see what happens.
I was feeling pretty depressed after going to the Housing office. Wandered aimlessly around downtown for a while. Now I'm in a coffee shop using the free wi-fi.
I'm thinking about going back to school.....for law. More about that later.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thought Battles
I have been struggling for the last while. The weekend was hard. I slept in Sunday and didn't go to church which is important to me. Actually, it's not even that I slept in. I got up early, had breakfast and then was just so tired I decided to rest a little while before getting dressed. And I couldn't peel myself from my mattress.
I haven't been taking care of myself. The professionals call it neglecting my self-care.
Self-care for me includes journaling, exercising, getting proper sleep, eating well. Doing the normal healthy things keep my mind healthy too. But when those start slipping, other things slip too. I'll just stop caring about things in general.
And then there are the negative thoughts.
And there are the thought records to help challenge them. They are ever so helpful.
Being fired from my job has begun to weigh on me a lot more recently. Maybe it's because I have rent and medications to pay for. Maybe it's simply because I'm depressed. Regardless, here is a sample of some of the thoughts that went through my mind this past weekend:
'I'm a loser.'
'I'm a failure.'
'I'll never get married.'
'I'm not a real adult.'
'I can't do anything.'
'There's no point trying.'
The "not getting married" thought weighed on me maybe more than you may think. I think it's because marriage is a dream and desire I hold onto so dearly that it's one of the first things that comes under attack when I'm depressed. I feel more deeply lonely when I'm depressed. (And the depression makes me withdraw and isolate. What a disease!)
So, I'm pulling myself out of this funk and it's a real struggle. I have my medication, but meds only help to a point. They give you the boost that helps you do the rest of the work in getting yourself well. It sucks. No cure. It's all a process.
Usually in a thought record I'll write out my thoughts, feelings, etc. about a specific situation, but I'll be a little more general here.
For example, the thought distortion in the thought 'I'm a loser,' is called labeling. Same thing for the thought 'I'm a failure.' I've labeled myself as a loser and a failure. I can challenge those thoughts by asking myself what do the words "loser" and "failure" mean. This strategy is called "Define the Terms." This strategy may not actually work as well at this period in my life..... considering what is going on. A loser is someone who has lost something -- have I lost anything? Yes, my job! Failure means to not succeed and a failure is someone who fails or doesn't succeed. Am I a failure according to the definition of the word? Well, I failed to keep my job. It is a stretch for me to really completely believe I'm a failure though.
But I'm still thinking I'm a loser which is a problem. I can employ the "Double Standard" strategy. In this case, I would ask myself if I would say the same thing of a friend in the same situation. And I definitely would not! My view of myself is becoming a little more gentle.
Another one of my favourite strategies is "Examine the Evidence." What is the evidence that I'm a loser, that I'm a failure? What is the evidence that I'm not either of these. When I think about it I have plenty to support a more positive, balanced thought about myself.
'I have lost my job, but I won't be unemployed forever. I have many skills and abilities. I'm an intelligent person. Things will be okay eventually.'
There are several other strategies I use regularly and several other thought distortions I battle with regularly too. The identification and challenging of thought distortions is part of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I have to admit, I'm not always so great at keeping at myself to keep up the work, but it is sinking in more and more so that it almost becomes something I can just do in my head instead of getting out a pen and paper.
This work makes me think of a verse in the Bible that I have been studying recently in a Bible study. It's 2 Corinthians 10:4,5:
I'm attempting to take captive these distorted thoughts of mine, and I have some mistaken beliefs too that are also part of depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and make them obedient to Christ. I know God doesn't think I'm a loser or a failure. He thinks quite the opposite! Analyzing my thoughts and challenging them helps me see myself correctly, according to God.
I haven't been taking care of myself. The professionals call it neglecting my self-care.
Self-care for me includes journaling, exercising, getting proper sleep, eating well. Doing the normal healthy things keep my mind healthy too. But when those start slipping, other things slip too. I'll just stop caring about things in general.
And then there are the negative thoughts.
And there are the thought records to help challenge them. They are ever so helpful.
Being fired from my job has begun to weigh on me a lot more recently. Maybe it's because I have rent and medications to pay for. Maybe it's simply because I'm depressed. Regardless, here is a sample of some of the thoughts that went through my mind this past weekend:
'I'm a loser.'
'I'm a failure.'
'I'll never get married.'
'I'm not a real adult.'
'I can't do anything.'
'There's no point trying.'
The "not getting married" thought weighed on me maybe more than you may think. I think it's because marriage is a dream and desire I hold onto so dearly that it's one of the first things that comes under attack when I'm depressed. I feel more deeply lonely when I'm depressed. (And the depression makes me withdraw and isolate. What a disease!)
So, I'm pulling myself out of this funk and it's a real struggle. I have my medication, but meds only help to a point. They give you the boost that helps you do the rest of the work in getting yourself well. It sucks. No cure. It's all a process.
Usually in a thought record I'll write out my thoughts, feelings, etc. about a specific situation, but I'll be a little more general here.
For example, the thought distortion in the thought 'I'm a loser,' is called labeling. Same thing for the thought 'I'm a failure.' I've labeled myself as a loser and a failure. I can challenge those thoughts by asking myself what do the words "loser" and "failure" mean. This strategy is called "Define the Terms." This strategy may not actually work as well at this period in my life..... considering what is going on. A loser is someone who has lost something -- have I lost anything? Yes, my job! Failure means to not succeed and a failure is someone who fails or doesn't succeed. Am I a failure according to the definition of the word? Well, I failed to keep my job. It is a stretch for me to really completely believe I'm a failure though.
But I'm still thinking I'm a loser which is a problem. I can employ the "Double Standard" strategy. In this case, I would ask myself if I would say the same thing of a friend in the same situation. And I definitely would not! My view of myself is becoming a little more gentle.
Another one of my favourite strategies is "Examine the Evidence." What is the evidence that I'm a loser, that I'm a failure? What is the evidence that I'm not either of these. When I think about it I have plenty to support a more positive, balanced thought about myself.
'I have lost my job, but I won't be unemployed forever. I have many skills and abilities. I'm an intelligent person. Things will be okay eventually.'
There are several other strategies I use regularly and several other thought distortions I battle with regularly too. The identification and challenging of thought distortions is part of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I have to admit, I'm not always so great at keeping at myself to keep up the work, but it is sinking in more and more so that it almost becomes something I can just do in my head instead of getting out a pen and paper.
This work makes me think of a verse in the Bible that I have been studying recently in a Bible study. It's 2 Corinthians 10:4,5:
"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
I'm attempting to take captive these distorted thoughts of mine, and I have some mistaken beliefs too that are also part of depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and make them obedient to Christ. I know God doesn't think I'm a loser or a failure. He thinks quite the opposite! Analyzing my thoughts and challenging them helps me see myself correctly, according to God.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
BTW
Yeah, and by the way, feeling more crappy about my future. What's going to happen to me? I'm unemployed, needing a place to live by the end of the year. And how do I pay for my meds?
It makes me uneasy looking into the future and seeing a vast, white nothingness.
It makes me uneasy looking into the future and seeing a vast, white nothingness.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Cancer Issue
I've briefly mentioned it a couple times that a person close to me is possibly dying of pancreatic cancer. I say "possibly" because he has not yet been properly diagnosed, which is just another frustration piled on the stress of losing someone.
Here's the story.
He, I'll call him "Sam," lives in my home. He has an Acquired Brain Injury from living for years with epilepsy. He has had thousands of seizures and has been knocked unconscious and suffered amnesia from them too. His sister, "Rose," who I also live with, is his caregiver. She has had him living in her home for 7 or 8 years.
When Sam first started living with Rose, he had a lot of anger problems. He had actually had them for years. Through a lot of really hard work by both Rose and Sam and a dedicated nurse practitioner, Sam has been the happiest and healthiest he has ever been for the past couple of years. Rose and Sam learned how to communicate and resolve conflicts. Sam has had his independence which he greatly values and he has been treated with dignity. He participates in a lot of programs such as an Acquired Brain Injury group, an adult literacy program and church activities for people with mental disabilities.
Sam began inexplicably losing weight this year and his nurse practitioner determined to find out why. A CT scan was scheduled about three weeks ago. The results showed a tumor on his pancreas. The next day I went with Rose to an appointment with the nurse practitioner to go over the findings and what the next steps would be. We noticed Sam was a little jaundiced. And he mentioned that his urine was "black and red," so a sample was taken. It looked like tea.
The CT scan was on a Wednesday and on Sunday Sam was in the emergency room. Those anger issues resurfaced and he had gone into a rage. He had gotten angry earlier in the week too and now looking back, we can see that his behaviour had been subtly changing for quite a while. Rose had been in fear of her life, Sam had gotten so angry.
Sam was admitted to hospital and more CT scans were done to see if the cancer had spread to other parts of his body. And finally on the Friday he had an ERCP (endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography) during which the surgeon put a stent in his common bile duct because it had been almost completely closed by the tumor and the surgeon took some scrapings of the tumor for pathology.
So many doctors and other health care professionals were involved and every one had a different opinion. All of them talked about the tumor as if it was a done deal that it was malignant. The gastroenterologist said there was no way it was benign, but we also found out that an oncologist won't even look at a patient until a sample has positively identified cancer cells. We are still waiting on pathology...... It has been over a week.
Pancreatic cancer is really nasty. It's one of the most aggressive forms of cancer and a psychiatrist has informed us that it usually greatly contributes to changes in mood and behaviour like we had already seen. The prognosis is really bad. So far, Sam could be dead by the end of the year or he could still live for a year. There is so much unknown at the moment.
This is a nightmare.
I've never had anyone close to me die.
Sam and I get along really well. We go to different events together sometimes. He invited me to his work's Christmas banquet last year and I went to the ABI strawberry social. When I was in the psychiatric hospital this summer he came to visit me. What is funny about that is he didn't let me know he was coming, so I had gone for a walk in the trails around the hospital. He waited for almost an hour for me to get back to the ward before deciding to leave. A nurse transcribed a letter he left for me. In it he said we were like brother and sister. Very sweet.
This "anticipatory" grief is hard. Compounded with Sam's impending death are all the problems and complications with health care professionals and the unanswered questions. It's overwhelming.
So there you have it. Almost everything I know about Sam and his tumor. More to come about this I'm sure.
Here's the story.
He, I'll call him "Sam," lives in my home. He has an Acquired Brain Injury from living for years with epilepsy. He has had thousands of seizures and has been knocked unconscious and suffered amnesia from them too. His sister, "Rose," who I also live with, is his caregiver. She has had him living in her home for 7 or 8 years.
When Sam first started living with Rose, he had a lot of anger problems. He had actually had them for years. Through a lot of really hard work by both Rose and Sam and a dedicated nurse practitioner, Sam has been the happiest and healthiest he has ever been for the past couple of years. Rose and Sam learned how to communicate and resolve conflicts. Sam has had his independence which he greatly values and he has been treated with dignity. He participates in a lot of programs such as an Acquired Brain Injury group, an adult literacy program and church activities for people with mental disabilities.
Sam began inexplicably losing weight this year and his nurse practitioner determined to find out why. A CT scan was scheduled about three weeks ago. The results showed a tumor on his pancreas. The next day I went with Rose to an appointment with the nurse practitioner to go over the findings and what the next steps would be. We noticed Sam was a little jaundiced. And he mentioned that his urine was "black and red," so a sample was taken. It looked like tea.
The CT scan was on a Wednesday and on Sunday Sam was in the emergency room. Those anger issues resurfaced and he had gone into a rage. He had gotten angry earlier in the week too and now looking back, we can see that his behaviour had been subtly changing for quite a while. Rose had been in fear of her life, Sam had gotten so angry.
Sam was admitted to hospital and more CT scans were done to see if the cancer had spread to other parts of his body. And finally on the Friday he had an ERCP (endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography) during which the surgeon put a stent in his common bile duct because it had been almost completely closed by the tumor and the surgeon took some scrapings of the tumor for pathology.
So many doctors and other health care professionals were involved and every one had a different opinion. All of them talked about the tumor as if it was a done deal that it was malignant. The gastroenterologist said there was no way it was benign, but we also found out that an oncologist won't even look at a patient until a sample has positively identified cancer cells. We are still waiting on pathology...... It has been over a week.
Pancreatic cancer is really nasty. It's one of the most aggressive forms of cancer and a psychiatrist has informed us that it usually greatly contributes to changes in mood and behaviour like we had already seen. The prognosis is really bad. So far, Sam could be dead by the end of the year or he could still live for a year. There is so much unknown at the moment.
This is a nightmare.
I've never had anyone close to me die.
Sam and I get along really well. We go to different events together sometimes. He invited me to his work's Christmas banquet last year and I went to the ABI strawberry social. When I was in the psychiatric hospital this summer he came to visit me. What is funny about that is he didn't let me know he was coming, so I had gone for a walk in the trails around the hospital. He waited for almost an hour for me to get back to the ward before deciding to leave. A nurse transcribed a letter he left for me. In it he said we were like brother and sister. Very sweet.
This "anticipatory" grief is hard. Compounded with Sam's impending death are all the problems and complications with health care professionals and the unanswered questions. It's overwhelming.
So there you have it. Almost everything I know about Sam and his tumor. More to come about this I'm sure.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Clay Pots
I've got a full, full belly. Love Thanksgiving. Love pumpkin ice cream!
Today I was seeing some of my cousins for the first time since, I think, Easter. A lot has happened to me since then. I'm not sure how much they know. I do know that one of my cousins had posted on Facebook something about finding out there is a history of mental illness in her family around the time I landed in the hospital.... My guess is that at least she knows a little about my psychosis. It's not that I really care.... maybe I do a little more than I would like... it just occurred to me as I was walking over to my aunt and uncle's that I may have to put up with some stigma and I wasn't looking forward to that. But things were fine. Phew.
Stigma. The Canadian government recently published a report about the problem of stigma when it comes to mental illness. It's called the Kirby Report. Here's a link for more information:
http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/178/10/1320
Stigma is a particularly nasty problem with mental illness because it has prevented people from getting well. One item of interest in the Kirby Report is that the Canadian government has never done a report on mental illness or mental health services in Canada before, but has done countless studies on a number of physical diseases.
I'm fortunate that I haven't really encountered a lot of stigma. The only place would be at work and I'm just not getting into that now. Several co-workers throughout my life have expressed opinions along the line that depression isn't really a disease, but an excuse.
But one place I have experienced some shame in my illness -- a place I think should be the last place I should experience any feelings of exclusion -- is the church.
Now, I am a very strong Christian and I go to church regularly. I'm feeling quite at home in the church I'm going to right now. I'm hoping my upcoming move will not take me away to a different city, one reason being I want to remain in my church. There have been churches in the past, though, where I have felt lesser for having a mental illness. I dared not say anything about it. And that really shouldn't be the case! We're not supposed to be wearing masks in the church! We are supposed to "owe no one anything, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law"(Romans 13:8).
There are a few ideas that have gotten in the church that seem to perpetuate negativity toward mental illness and in a lot of cases, physical illness too. For example, there is a misguided idea that if you're ill, your faith just can't be big or strong enough.
There are Christians who believe God doesn't want us to be ill, therefore any illness we have must be our fault, some kind of failure, again, in our faith and trust in God. Bologna!
Actually, it's not all bologna. I do agree that God doesn't want us to be sick. It wasn't His intention in the perfect world He made for us in Eden. There was no death, no illness. But since human nature has been to rebel against God and disobey Him, we have had to suffer the consequences, one of them being illness. We brought suffering on ourselves.
I know that the reasoning in their argument is that God needs His people to be healthy and able to perform to the best of their abilities so they can go and "make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I [Jesus] have commanded you"(Matthew 28:19,20). Let's not forget the last part of verse 20, though: "And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age." Jesus is the one enabling us. We don't go by our own strength. Isn't it a beautiful thing that I can be used by God because of my illness????
I've said this kind of thing before. My imperfections make it so people can see the work of God in me. As the Scripture in 2 Corinthians describes, I'm a clay pot with the light of God glowing inside me and it is shineing out through my cracks and holes, for others to see.
So, God didn't want me to be sick, but my illness helps people see how He cares for me, how He strengthens me every day, how my faith is real.
Today I was seeing some of my cousins for the first time since, I think, Easter. A lot has happened to me since then. I'm not sure how much they know. I do know that one of my cousins had posted on Facebook something about finding out there is a history of mental illness in her family around the time I landed in the hospital.... My guess is that at least she knows a little about my psychosis. It's not that I really care.... maybe I do a little more than I would like... it just occurred to me as I was walking over to my aunt and uncle's that I may have to put up with some stigma and I wasn't looking forward to that. But things were fine. Phew.
Stigma. The Canadian government recently published a report about the problem of stigma when it comes to mental illness. It's called the Kirby Report. Here's a link for more information:
http://www.cmaj.ca/cgi/content/full/178/10/1320
Stigma is a particularly nasty problem with mental illness because it has prevented people from getting well. One item of interest in the Kirby Report is that the Canadian government has never done a report on mental illness or mental health services in Canada before, but has done countless studies on a number of physical diseases.
I'm fortunate that I haven't really encountered a lot of stigma. The only place would be at work and I'm just not getting into that now. Several co-workers throughout my life have expressed opinions along the line that depression isn't really a disease, but an excuse.
But one place I have experienced some shame in my illness -- a place I think should be the last place I should experience any feelings of exclusion -- is the church.
Now, I am a very strong Christian and I go to church regularly. I'm feeling quite at home in the church I'm going to right now. I'm hoping my upcoming move will not take me away to a different city, one reason being I want to remain in my church. There have been churches in the past, though, where I have felt lesser for having a mental illness. I dared not say anything about it. And that really shouldn't be the case! We're not supposed to be wearing masks in the church! We are supposed to "owe no one anything, except to love one another; for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law"(Romans 13:8).
There are a few ideas that have gotten in the church that seem to perpetuate negativity toward mental illness and in a lot of cases, physical illness too. For example, there is a misguided idea that if you're ill, your faith just can't be big or strong enough.
There are Christians who believe God doesn't want us to be ill, therefore any illness we have must be our fault, some kind of failure, again, in our faith and trust in God. Bologna!
Actually, it's not all bologna. I do agree that God doesn't want us to be sick. It wasn't His intention in the perfect world He made for us in Eden. There was no death, no illness. But since human nature has been to rebel against God and disobey Him, we have had to suffer the consequences, one of them being illness. We brought suffering on ourselves.
I know that the reasoning in their argument is that God needs His people to be healthy and able to perform to the best of their abilities so they can go and "make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything that I [Jesus] have commanded you"(Matthew 28:19,20). Let's not forget the last part of verse 20, though: "And remember, I am with you always, to the end of the age." Jesus is the one enabling us. We don't go by our own strength. Isn't it a beautiful thing that I can be used by God because of my illness????
"For we do not proclaim ourselves; we proclaim Jesus Christ as Lord and
ourselves as your slaves for Jesus' sake. For it is the God who siad, 'Let light
shine out of darkness,' who has shone in our hearts to give the light of the
knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ.
'But we have this treasure in clay jars, so that it may be made clear that
this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us."(2
Corinthians 4:5-7)
I've said this kind of thing before. My imperfections make it so people can see the work of God in me. As the Scripture in 2 Corinthians describes, I'm a clay pot with the light of God glowing inside me and it is shineing out through my cracks and holes, for others to see.
So, God didn't want me to be sick, but my illness helps people see how He cares for me, how He strengthens me every day, how my faith is real.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Drano
Okay, so....a few hours later and I'm already feeling better. I received what my best friend has coined "God drano." I had a lot of yuckiness clogging me up and a quick quiet time has drained some of it out. I still feel stressed, but I'm looking at things from a different angle now. So much better.
A video emailed to me from the aforementioned Best Friend started the drano. It's a video of Sarah Groves talking about a pivotal time in her career when God gave her some encouragement. The Scriptures that encouraged her, and in turn have also encouraged me are:
I've been humbled from my crankiness from earlier. My best friend and God helped me understand that it's not pessimism, but preparing for the worst and that has to be done in the situation going on in our lives right now. It's hard, but God is with us, He is on our side.
One victory I've realized today: I'm not depressed and anxious about the kinds of things I was depressed and anxious about before going in the hospital. Before being hospitalized, I was depressed and anxious about the things I want in my life and don't have. And more specifically, I would always be so scared of what other people were thinking of me. I was scared of judgement and rejection. I couldn't care less about those things now! I've got bigger things to worry about. But it's not just that they're bigger things to worry about, but real things to worry about. I'm now experiencing real sadness, grief and stress. It's not manufactured from chemical imbalances in my brain.
Therefore, although my situation definitely sucks, it's comforting that I'm mostly responding in a healthy way, in a way mentally healthy people would respond.
A video emailed to me from the aforementioned Best Friend started the drano. It's a video of Sarah Groves talking about a pivotal time in her career when God gave her some encouragement. The Scriptures that encouraged her, and in turn have also encouraged me are:
"But you, O Israel, my servant, Jacob, whom I have chosen, you descendants of Abraham my friend, I took you from the ends of the earth, from its farthest corners I called you. I said, 'You are my servant; I have chosen you and have not rejected you. So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. All who rage against you will surely be ashamed and disgraced; those who oppose you will be as nothing and perish. Though you search for your enemies, you will not find them. Those who wage war against you will be as nothing at all. For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:8-13
I've been humbled from my crankiness from earlier. My best friend and God helped me understand that it's not pessimism, but preparing for the worst and that has to be done in the situation going on in our lives right now. It's hard, but God is with us, He is on our side.
One victory I've realized today: I'm not depressed and anxious about the kinds of things I was depressed and anxious about before going in the hospital. Before being hospitalized, I was depressed and anxious about the things I want in my life and don't have. And more specifically, I would always be so scared of what other people were thinking of me. I was scared of judgement and rejection. I couldn't care less about those things now! I've got bigger things to worry about. But it's not just that they're bigger things to worry about, but real things to worry about. I'm now experiencing real sadness, grief and stress. It's not manufactured from chemical imbalances in my brain.
Therefore, although my situation definitely sucks, it's comforting that I'm mostly responding in a healthy way, in a way mentally healthy people would respond.
Hard to Breath
Today is the first day I've started to unravel. I'm feeling like I'm trying to hold people up to support them, but I'm about to collapse. It's all getting to be too much.
So when I got a surprise call from my psychiatrist's office for an appointment, I could at least see that God was taking care of me. It was a relief just talking out my burdens.
But I started to feel more stressed and anxious as I got closer and closer to home after my appointment. My chest got tighter, breathing more shallow and my head started to hurt. I don't want to be here right now. I need some time to myself. Or, it's just that I need some space to ruminate, sort through the mess in my brain.
I can't be responsible for other people's pessimism, for other people's attitudes. This is what is weighing on me so heavily today. What can I do? I can't change another's mind, but it affects me too.
Most of the time I can handle it....it's just depression brain today. Blah!
So when I got a surprise call from my psychiatrist's office for an appointment, I could at least see that God was taking care of me. It was a relief just talking out my burdens.
But I started to feel more stressed and anxious as I got closer and closer to home after my appointment. My chest got tighter, breathing more shallow and my head started to hurt. I don't want to be here right now. I need some time to myself. Or, it's just that I need some space to ruminate, sort through the mess in my brain.
I can't be responsible for other people's pessimism, for other people's attitudes. This is what is weighing on me so heavily today. What can I do? I can't change another's mind, but it affects me too.
Most of the time I can handle it....it's just depression brain today. Blah!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
Thorns
So....still feeling good one day after being fired. Still hopeful.
I surprised my therapist tonight with the amount of happenings in my life since the last time I saw her, only two weeks ago. Someone close to me is dying, my landlord is being overly difficult, I'll have to find a place to live by the end of the year and I got fired. Stellar time here.
I'm sure I'm in for a fall. My rather complicated diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, especially social anxiety, and some Bipolar features. Hence, I'm on a mood stabilizer as well as anti-depressants. My experience has been that I will have a good mood for a few days and then crash and end up in bed for a whole day really depressed and slowly get myself back to functioning normally. But my mood remains depressed mostly.
This summer, I was hospitalized for the first time for depression and was in the hospital for 4 weeks. It was phenomenal, although not so much at first when it was just depressing. The help I got was amazing. While I was there I came to terms with the fact that this was a disease I would be struggling with my whole life and that it was quite possible I will be hospitalized again.
I've come to see my mental illness as my own thorn in my flesh. It is a weakness in me that allows God to show His power. I'm quite amazed at what I'm able to do despite my illness. Here's a short list:
My illness is a blessing and a curse. It is definitely not pleasant to deal with, but I'm blessed with how God has been able to turn it to good.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
I surprised my therapist tonight with the amount of happenings in my life since the last time I saw her, only two weeks ago. Someone close to me is dying, my landlord is being overly difficult, I'll have to find a place to live by the end of the year and I got fired. Stellar time here.
I'm sure I'm in for a fall. My rather complicated diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder, Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, especially social anxiety, and some Bipolar features. Hence, I'm on a mood stabilizer as well as anti-depressants. My experience has been that I will have a good mood for a few days and then crash and end up in bed for a whole day really depressed and slowly get myself back to functioning normally. But my mood remains depressed mostly.
This summer, I was hospitalized for the first time for depression and was in the hospital for 4 weeks. It was phenomenal, although not so much at first when it was just depressing. The help I got was amazing. While I was there I came to terms with the fact that this was a disease I would be struggling with my whole life and that it was quite possible I will be hospitalized again.
"To keep me from becoming conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:7-10
I've come to see my mental illness as my own thorn in my flesh. It is a weakness in me that allows God to show His power. I'm quite amazed at what I'm able to do despite my illness. Here's a short list:
- got my Masters degree in Environmental Studies
- my profs loved my thesis; they told me at my final exam it was impossible for me to fail because I did such a great job
- I was Assistant Director at a summer camp for two years; one year we had a missing camper that took all night to find and the second year we had some staff turnover issues, ie. very intense two summers
My illness is a blessing and a curse. It is definitely not pleasant to deal with, but I'm blessed with how God has been able to turn it to good.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
You're Fired!
I just got fired.
God had me prepared for it though. For a long time I was thinking I should quit because He has put a mission in me to speak and write about being a Christian with mental illness. Just this morning I was thinking about asking to cut down to part-time hours instead and praying that God would forgive my lack of faith and help increase my faith if in fact I was supposed to be through at my job. He has made things abundantly clear for me!
So, I suppose I should be stressed out of my mind, since I do need to find a place to live by the end of the year, buy my prescriptions, etc. But I'm not.
This is my healthy mind speaking.
God had me prepared for it though. For a long time I was thinking I should quit because He has put a mission in me to speak and write about being a Christian with mental illness. Just this morning I was thinking about asking to cut down to part-time hours instead and praying that God would forgive my lack of faith and help increase my faith if in fact I was supposed to be through at my job. He has made things abundantly clear for me!
So, I suppose I should be stressed out of my mind, since I do need to find a place to live by the end of the year, buy my prescriptions, etc. But I'm not.
This is my healthy mind speaking.
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