Jobless

I remember when I talked to my doctor about getting a little time off work because I was so stressed out about Sam's health problems and landlord problems and my doctor warned me that being off work can become a habit of sorts. A person can get used to being unemployed.

I am not used to being unemployed! I want to work. I need to work.

I have a number of pressing bills coming up and social assistance is just not going to cut it. I find comfort in telling myself that God is on my side and that He will help. It's really hard to keep from worrying though.

And I've been feeling more dead inside this week. It's unpleasant.... not just for me either. I don't like who I am when I'm depressed. Not one bit. I'm apathetic and selfish.

What I find strange is I've been taking better care of myself this week -- getting to bed at a good time (except right now), regular exercise. I guess I'd just be that much more worse if I wasn't.

One thing I can say about my current job predicament is that I struggle between thinking it has either been the right or wrong thing for me to be unemployed. Being without a job has opened me up for helping more with Sam and helping more around the house which I know is a big support. It has also created a buffer for me to take care of myself amidst all the chaos.

Thus far I haven't had any problems paying my bills, but now I'm suddenly being inundated with expenses.

I just have to pray and know that God will provide. I really do believe there has been a reason for my unemployment. But I think it's time for me to work again. Being jobless is starting to take a toll on my mental health. I'm really starting to believe some of those distorted thoughts telling me that I'm unemployable or useless or pathetic. Albeit a job can't make me happy or be the reason for fulfillment (or lack of) in my life, it would certainly give me a boost. The structure a job provides for your day is so needed in my life right now too, besides the monetary benefits.