Everything is actually going well. There are a few bugs I have to work out. But other than that my life is going quite well. I'm doing amazing in my classes and enjoying all of them. I am really happy with where I live. I'm making friends. And I've found a gym where I can continue to do Brazilian Jiujitsu and Muay Thai.
But I hate weekends.
I don't do well without the structure I have during the week. When I'm free to make what I like of my time, I struggle.
This weekend wasn't so bad because I had visitors. When I was out with my mom, stepdad and aunt and uncle, I was enjoying myself. But now I feel dead.
It's the apathy. I hate this part of depression. I don't like when I just don't care. I feel like a zombie.
And being that this is reading week, I will be struggling with this a lot. I have a completely unstructured week ahead of me and I need to figure out what to do with it so that I don't end up in the hospital by the end of it.
So far my plan is to go to as many classes at the gym as I can. I might as well take advantage of all the free time I have. Also, I have some pretty major assignments due after the break that I plan on getting a substantial start on.
Knowing that I have this ahead of me is already making me feel better.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Thursday, February 24, 2011
It's Been So Long
I've been having internet access issues. I mean besides now being in a new city and being back in school and just generally adjusting to a new life. It's been difficult for me to blog lately.
I really need to work on getting internet access at home. That would definitely make things easier.
Classes are going awesome. I'm getting 90s so far in all my classes. Yay!
There is still the drama with pancreatic cancer and brain injuries, but generally things are going well.
Sometimes I feel a little guilty with being so removed from everything. But I also know for 100% certain that God brought me here. This guilt is kind of like survivor guilt, I guess. It's a waste of my time and energy regardless. Also, it's a part of my depressed brain. As though my depressed brain has to come up with something for me to feel bad about.
And, it's "me" focused. I'm not actually feeling sad or grieved about my friend with cancer or my uncle with a brain injury, but my own feelings of not knowing how to help or what I can do. It's not real grief. It's sick grief.
I'm really tired. This week has been an especially exhausting week. Next week is reading week! Soooo looking forward to that.
I really need to work on getting internet access at home. That would definitely make things easier.
Classes are going awesome. I'm getting 90s so far in all my classes. Yay!
There is still the drama with pancreatic cancer and brain injuries, but generally things are going well.
Sometimes I feel a little guilty with being so removed from everything. But I also know for 100% certain that God brought me here. This guilt is kind of like survivor guilt, I guess. It's a waste of my time and energy regardless. Also, it's a part of my depressed brain. As though my depressed brain has to come up with something for me to feel bad about.
And, it's "me" focused. I'm not actually feeling sad or grieved about my friend with cancer or my uncle with a brain injury, but my own feelings of not knowing how to help or what I can do. It's not real grief. It's sick grief.
I'm really tired. This week has been an especially exhausting week. Next week is reading week! Soooo looking forward to that.
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