This morning I went to church as I usually like to do on Sunday mornings. Still had all this stuff with my blow-out with my friend on my mind. Still do now. Still trying to cognitive behaviour therapize myself around it.
The pastor at my church spoke from Romans 8 today. Romans has got to be one of my favourite books of the Bible and Romans 8 definitely one of my favourite chapters. I had a few light bulb moments today and they honestly seem kind of stupid right now in their obviousness.
First I need to back up a bit to Romans 7, specifically Romans 7:24. "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" This is the way I think. This is the root of my turmoil. Anytime anything goes awry, I start hating myself and it complicates all my thoughts about the actual situation.
Who will rescue me? "Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!"(Romans 7:25)
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."(Romans 8:1)
I mess up. A lot. But my extraneous guilt and thoughts such as "I suck," "I'm a loser," "I'm despicable" are condemnations that are inappropriate and only keep me down, keep me from having the victory and freedom Jesus has given me through His sacrifice.
These revelations really do clear my head up even if they do seem like an abstraction. I am at least feeling like I can speak about the problem without screaming, yelling and crying.
Showing posts with label cognitive behaviour therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cognitive behaviour therapy. Show all posts
Sunday, January 2, 2011
A Much Needed Break
My job at Chapters finished on the 31st and although I was a little disappointed at first in not getting the chance to earn a few extra bucks, I'm now thankful for the break before I start on my new adventure. I think without the rest, I could very well be headed for a nervous breakdown before school starts.
Lately I've been at the tipping point almost all the time. And I had tipped over the edge again today while talking to a friend of mine.
She had quite generously offered me the use of a bed for when I move since I gave mine away a long time ago. She offered it a couple months ago when I first new I was moving into a place that I would need to furnish. And I had accepted.
But I've been inundated this fall and winter with issues and urgent things to deal with such as Sam's hospital visits, figuring out how to pay my tuition installments, finding a temporary job, my uncle's injury, my mom and stepfather coming close to separating... It has been never-ending. And I think these things are hard enough to deal with as a normal person, but I'm sick too!
I'm working at taking care of myself with going to my Mood Disorder Support Group and taking Muay Thai. My sleep hygiene has admittedly been a mess and the last week has been difficult for having good, healthy regular meals, what with moving. (And, yeah, I had to move to a temporary place since we were all made to move by the end of the year by our old landlord and in a week I will be moving to Peterborough where I'll be going to school. How much upheaval can a person take?)
So I started crying today when my friend said it may be too difficult for me to get the bed. And she was angry with me for not communicating better about my plans. "Do you understand the week I've had?" "Do you understand the month I've had?" These were a couple things I said. And then she decided to end the conversation. That was a good thing because I probably would have been unable to speak at all anyway and we both would have ended up even more angry and upset.
I still feel angry. And I feel guilty that I feel angry. I feel like a big mess.
I'm trying to use this blog as my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy at the moment. I'm finding it quite hard though because my head is swimming with thoughts and emotions.
Emotions:
I feel angry that she is not being more understanding right now when I've got so much to deal with.
I feel angry that she is making this more difficult than it needs to be.
I feel guilty for not communicating better about my need for the bed and my moving plans.
I feel guilty for being angry.
I feel scared.
Thoughts:
I suck.
I can't do anything right.
I'm angry but I'm probably wrong because I'm always wrong. I'm never justified in being angry.
I am justifiably angry. What is wrong with her cutting me some slack being that I've had way too much to deal with lately?
Why would she assume that just because I haven't said anything about my move for over a month that I decided to change my mind about the bed?
Nothing goes smoothly for me. It is always a struggle.
I'm a disappointment. Loser. Failure.
Distortions:
Labeling, all or nothing, catastrophization.
Challenging those thoughts:
Just an aside right now. This activity really isn't making me feel much better. I still feel pretty angry. :(
I am going to college. I got through being hospitalized and have made it through some pretty rough stuff in the past few months. Clearly, I am not a disappointment, loser or failure. I am moving forward in life and making gains.
When I have my mind a little more clear, I can talk about this more. I'm clearly not all in the right, but I don't think she is being all in the right either by making an assumption. Getting emotional is not going to help matters.
I'm struggling with apologizing for being angry. I know I should have made my plans and intentions more clear, but I still think given what is going on in my life right now, giving me a break is warranted.
This is all I've got right now. I'm exhausted. Maybe tomorrow I can finish my homework.
Lately I've been at the tipping point almost all the time. And I had tipped over the edge again today while talking to a friend of mine.
She had quite generously offered me the use of a bed for when I move since I gave mine away a long time ago. She offered it a couple months ago when I first new I was moving into a place that I would need to furnish. And I had accepted.
But I've been inundated this fall and winter with issues and urgent things to deal with such as Sam's hospital visits, figuring out how to pay my tuition installments, finding a temporary job, my uncle's injury, my mom and stepfather coming close to separating... It has been never-ending. And I think these things are hard enough to deal with as a normal person, but I'm sick too!
I'm working at taking care of myself with going to my Mood Disorder Support Group and taking Muay Thai. My sleep hygiene has admittedly been a mess and the last week has been difficult for having good, healthy regular meals, what with moving. (And, yeah, I had to move to a temporary place since we were all made to move by the end of the year by our old landlord and in a week I will be moving to Peterborough where I'll be going to school. How much upheaval can a person take?)
So I started crying today when my friend said it may be too difficult for me to get the bed. And she was angry with me for not communicating better about my plans. "Do you understand the week I've had?" "Do you understand the month I've had?" These were a couple things I said. And then she decided to end the conversation. That was a good thing because I probably would have been unable to speak at all anyway and we both would have ended up even more angry and upset.
I still feel angry. And I feel guilty that I feel angry. I feel like a big mess.
I'm trying to use this blog as my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy at the moment. I'm finding it quite hard though because my head is swimming with thoughts and emotions.
Emotions:
I feel angry that she is not being more understanding right now when I've got so much to deal with.
I feel angry that she is making this more difficult than it needs to be.
I feel guilty for not communicating better about my need for the bed and my moving plans.
I feel guilty for being angry.
I feel scared.
Thoughts:
I suck.
I can't do anything right.
I'm angry but I'm probably wrong because I'm always wrong. I'm never justified in being angry.
I am justifiably angry. What is wrong with her cutting me some slack being that I've had way too much to deal with lately?
Why would she assume that just because I haven't said anything about my move for over a month that I decided to change my mind about the bed?
Nothing goes smoothly for me. It is always a struggle.
I'm a disappointment. Loser. Failure.
Distortions:
Labeling, all or nothing, catastrophization.
Challenging those thoughts:
Just an aside right now. This activity really isn't making me feel much better. I still feel pretty angry. :(
I am going to college. I got through being hospitalized and have made it through some pretty rough stuff in the past few months. Clearly, I am not a disappointment, loser or failure. I am moving forward in life and making gains.
When I have my mind a little more clear, I can talk about this more. I'm clearly not all in the right, but I don't think she is being all in the right either by making an assumption. Getting emotional is not going to help matters.
I'm struggling with apologizing for being angry. I know I should have made my plans and intentions more clear, but I still think given what is going on in my life right now, giving me a break is warranted.
This is all I've got right now. I'm exhausted. Maybe tomorrow I can finish my homework.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Thought Battles
I have been struggling for the last while. The weekend was hard. I slept in Sunday and didn't go to church which is important to me. Actually, it's not even that I slept in. I got up early, had breakfast and then was just so tired I decided to rest a little while before getting dressed. And I couldn't peel myself from my mattress.
I haven't been taking care of myself. The professionals call it neglecting my self-care.
Self-care for me includes journaling, exercising, getting proper sleep, eating well. Doing the normal healthy things keep my mind healthy too. But when those start slipping, other things slip too. I'll just stop caring about things in general.
And then there are the negative thoughts.
And there are the thought records to help challenge them. They are ever so helpful.
Being fired from my job has begun to weigh on me a lot more recently. Maybe it's because I have rent and medications to pay for. Maybe it's simply because I'm depressed. Regardless, here is a sample of some of the thoughts that went through my mind this past weekend:
'I'm a loser.'
'I'm a failure.'
'I'll never get married.'
'I'm not a real adult.'
'I can't do anything.'
'There's no point trying.'
The "not getting married" thought weighed on me maybe more than you may think. I think it's because marriage is a dream and desire I hold onto so dearly that it's one of the first things that comes under attack when I'm depressed. I feel more deeply lonely when I'm depressed. (And the depression makes me withdraw and isolate. What a disease!)
So, I'm pulling myself out of this funk and it's a real struggle. I have my medication, but meds only help to a point. They give you the boost that helps you do the rest of the work in getting yourself well. It sucks. No cure. It's all a process.
Usually in a thought record I'll write out my thoughts, feelings, etc. about a specific situation, but I'll be a little more general here.
For example, the thought distortion in the thought 'I'm a loser,' is called labeling. Same thing for the thought 'I'm a failure.' I've labeled myself as a loser and a failure. I can challenge those thoughts by asking myself what do the words "loser" and "failure" mean. This strategy is called "Define the Terms." This strategy may not actually work as well at this period in my life..... considering what is going on. A loser is someone who has lost something -- have I lost anything? Yes, my job! Failure means to not succeed and a failure is someone who fails or doesn't succeed. Am I a failure according to the definition of the word? Well, I failed to keep my job. It is a stretch for me to really completely believe I'm a failure though.
But I'm still thinking I'm a loser which is a problem. I can employ the "Double Standard" strategy. In this case, I would ask myself if I would say the same thing of a friend in the same situation. And I definitely would not! My view of myself is becoming a little more gentle.
Another one of my favourite strategies is "Examine the Evidence." What is the evidence that I'm a loser, that I'm a failure? What is the evidence that I'm not either of these. When I think about it I have plenty to support a more positive, balanced thought about myself.
'I have lost my job, but I won't be unemployed forever. I have many skills and abilities. I'm an intelligent person. Things will be okay eventually.'
There are several other strategies I use regularly and several other thought distortions I battle with regularly too. The identification and challenging of thought distortions is part of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I have to admit, I'm not always so great at keeping at myself to keep up the work, but it is sinking in more and more so that it almost becomes something I can just do in my head instead of getting out a pen and paper.
This work makes me think of a verse in the Bible that I have been studying recently in a Bible study. It's 2 Corinthians 10:4,5:
I'm attempting to take captive these distorted thoughts of mine, and I have some mistaken beliefs too that are also part of depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and make them obedient to Christ. I know God doesn't think I'm a loser or a failure. He thinks quite the opposite! Analyzing my thoughts and challenging them helps me see myself correctly, according to God.
I haven't been taking care of myself. The professionals call it neglecting my self-care.
Self-care for me includes journaling, exercising, getting proper sleep, eating well. Doing the normal healthy things keep my mind healthy too. But when those start slipping, other things slip too. I'll just stop caring about things in general.
And then there are the negative thoughts.
And there are the thought records to help challenge them. They are ever so helpful.
Being fired from my job has begun to weigh on me a lot more recently. Maybe it's because I have rent and medications to pay for. Maybe it's simply because I'm depressed. Regardless, here is a sample of some of the thoughts that went through my mind this past weekend:
'I'm a loser.'
'I'm a failure.'
'I'll never get married.'
'I'm not a real adult.'
'I can't do anything.'
'There's no point trying.'
The "not getting married" thought weighed on me maybe more than you may think. I think it's because marriage is a dream and desire I hold onto so dearly that it's one of the first things that comes under attack when I'm depressed. I feel more deeply lonely when I'm depressed. (And the depression makes me withdraw and isolate. What a disease!)
So, I'm pulling myself out of this funk and it's a real struggle. I have my medication, but meds only help to a point. They give you the boost that helps you do the rest of the work in getting yourself well. It sucks. No cure. It's all a process.
Usually in a thought record I'll write out my thoughts, feelings, etc. about a specific situation, but I'll be a little more general here.
For example, the thought distortion in the thought 'I'm a loser,' is called labeling. Same thing for the thought 'I'm a failure.' I've labeled myself as a loser and a failure. I can challenge those thoughts by asking myself what do the words "loser" and "failure" mean. This strategy is called "Define the Terms." This strategy may not actually work as well at this period in my life..... considering what is going on. A loser is someone who has lost something -- have I lost anything? Yes, my job! Failure means to not succeed and a failure is someone who fails or doesn't succeed. Am I a failure according to the definition of the word? Well, I failed to keep my job. It is a stretch for me to really completely believe I'm a failure though.
But I'm still thinking I'm a loser which is a problem. I can employ the "Double Standard" strategy. In this case, I would ask myself if I would say the same thing of a friend in the same situation. And I definitely would not! My view of myself is becoming a little more gentle.
Another one of my favourite strategies is "Examine the Evidence." What is the evidence that I'm a loser, that I'm a failure? What is the evidence that I'm not either of these. When I think about it I have plenty to support a more positive, balanced thought about myself.
'I have lost my job, but I won't be unemployed forever. I have many skills and abilities. I'm an intelligent person. Things will be okay eventually.'
There are several other strategies I use regularly and several other thought distortions I battle with regularly too. The identification and challenging of thought distortions is part of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I have to admit, I'm not always so great at keeping at myself to keep up the work, but it is sinking in more and more so that it almost becomes something I can just do in my head instead of getting out a pen and paper.
This work makes me think of a verse in the Bible that I have been studying recently in a Bible study. It's 2 Corinthians 10:4,5:
"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."
I'm attempting to take captive these distorted thoughts of mine, and I have some mistaken beliefs too that are also part of depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and make them obedient to Christ. I know God doesn't think I'm a loser or a failure. He thinks quite the opposite! Analyzing my thoughts and challenging them helps me see myself correctly, according to God.
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