Thought Battles

I have been struggling for the last while. The weekend was hard. I slept in Sunday and didn't go to church which is important to me. Actually, it's not even that I slept in. I got up early, had breakfast and then was just so tired I decided to rest a little while before getting dressed. And I couldn't peel myself from my mattress.

I haven't been taking care of myself. The professionals call it neglecting my self-care.

Self-care for me includes journaling, exercising, getting proper sleep, eating well. Doing the normal healthy things keep my mind healthy too. But when those start slipping, other things slip too. I'll just stop caring about things in general.

And then there are the negative thoughts.

And there are the thought records to help challenge them. They are ever so helpful.

Being fired from my job has begun to weigh on me a lot more recently. Maybe it's because I have rent and medications to pay for. Maybe it's simply because I'm depressed. Regardless, here is a sample of some of the thoughts that went through my mind this past weekend:

'I'm a loser.'
'I'm a failure.'
'I'll never get married.'
'I'm not a real adult.'
'I can't do anything.'
'There's no point trying.'

The "not getting married" thought weighed on me maybe more than you may think. I think it's because marriage is a dream and desire I hold onto so dearly that it's one of the first things that comes under attack when I'm depressed. I feel more deeply lonely when I'm depressed. (And the depression makes me withdraw and isolate. What a disease!)

So, I'm pulling myself out of this funk and it's a real struggle. I have my medication, but meds only help to a point. They give you the boost that helps you do the rest of the work in getting yourself well. It sucks. No cure. It's all a process.

Usually in a thought record I'll write out my thoughts, feelings, etc. about a specific situation, but I'll be a little more general here.

For example, the thought distortion in the thought 'I'm a loser,' is called labeling. Same thing for the thought 'I'm a failure.' I've labeled myself as a loser and a failure. I can challenge those thoughts by asking myself what do the words "loser" and "failure" mean. This strategy is called "Define the Terms." This strategy may not actually work as well at this period in my life..... considering what is going on. A loser is someone who has lost something -- have I lost anything? Yes, my job! Failure means to not succeed and a failure is someone who fails or doesn't succeed. Am I a failure according to the definition of the word? Well, I failed to keep my job. It is a stretch for me to really completely believe I'm a failure though.

But I'm still thinking I'm a loser which is a problem. I can employ the "Double Standard" strategy. In this case, I would ask myself if I would say the same thing of a friend in the same situation. And I definitely would not! My view of myself is becoming a little more gentle.

Another one of my favourite strategies is "Examine the Evidence." What is the evidence that I'm a loser, that I'm a failure? What is the evidence that I'm not either of these. When I think about it I have plenty to support a more positive, balanced thought about myself.

'I have lost my job, but I won't be unemployed forever. I have many skills and abilities. I'm an intelligent person. Things will be okay eventually.'

There are several other strategies I use regularly and several other thought distortions I battle with regularly too. The identification and challenging of thought distortions is part of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. I have to admit, I'm not always so great at keeping at myself to keep up the work, but it is sinking in more and more so that it almost becomes something I can just do in my head instead of getting out a pen and paper.

This work makes me think of a verse in the Bible that I have been studying recently in a Bible study. It's 2 Corinthians 10:4,5:

"The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ."

I'm attempting to take captive these distorted thoughts of mine, and I have some mistaken beliefs too that are also part of depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and make them obedient to Christ. I know God doesn't think I'm a loser or a failure. He thinks quite the opposite! Analyzing my thoughts and challenging them helps me see myself correctly, according to God.