My job at Chapters finished on the 31st and although I was a little disappointed at first in not getting the chance to earn a few extra bucks, I'm now thankful for the break before I start on my new adventure. I think without the rest, I could very well be headed for a nervous breakdown before school starts.
Lately I've been at the tipping point almost all the time. And I had tipped over the edge again today while talking to a friend of mine.
She had quite generously offered me the use of a bed for when I move since I gave mine away a long time ago. She offered it a couple months ago when I first new I was moving into a place that I would need to furnish. And I had accepted.
But I've been inundated this fall and winter with issues and urgent things to deal with such as Sam's hospital visits, figuring out how to pay my tuition installments, finding a temporary job, my uncle's injury, my mom and stepfather coming close to separating... It has been never-ending. And I think these things are hard enough to deal with as a normal person, but I'm sick too!
I'm working at taking care of myself with going to my Mood Disorder Support Group and taking Muay Thai. My sleep hygiene has admittedly been a mess and the last week has been difficult for having good, healthy regular meals, what with moving. (And, yeah, I had to move to a temporary place since we were all made to move by the end of the year by our old landlord and in a week I will be moving to Peterborough where I'll be going to school. How much upheaval can a person take?)
So I started crying today when my friend said it may be too difficult for me to get the bed. And she was angry with me for not communicating better about my plans. "Do you understand the week I've had?" "Do you understand the month I've had?" These were a couple things I said. And then she decided to end the conversation. That was a good thing because I probably would have been unable to speak at all anyway and we both would have ended up even more angry and upset.
I still feel angry. And I feel guilty that I feel angry. I feel like a big mess.
I'm trying to use this blog as my Cognitive Behaviour Therapy at the moment. I'm finding it quite hard though because my head is swimming with thoughts and emotions.
Emotions:
I feel angry that she is not being more understanding right now when I've got so much to deal with.
I feel angry that she is making this more difficult than it needs to be.
I feel guilty for not communicating better about my need for the bed and my moving plans.
I feel guilty for being angry.
I feel scared.
Thoughts:
I suck.
I can't do anything right.
I'm angry but I'm probably wrong because I'm always wrong. I'm never justified in being angry.
I am justifiably angry. What is wrong with her cutting me some slack being that I've had way too much to deal with lately?
Why would she assume that just because I haven't said anything about my move for over a month that I decided to change my mind about the bed?
Nothing goes smoothly for me. It is always a struggle.
I'm a disappointment. Loser. Failure.
Distortions:
Labeling, all or nothing, catastrophization.
Challenging those thoughts:
Just an aside right now. This activity really isn't making me feel much better. I still feel pretty angry. :(
I am going to college. I got through being hospitalized and have made it through some pretty rough stuff in the past few months. Clearly, I am not a disappointment, loser or failure. I am moving forward in life and making gains.
When I have my mind a little more clear, I can talk about this more. I'm clearly not all in the right, but I don't think she is being all in the right either by making an assumption. Getting emotional is not going to help matters.
I'm struggling with apologizing for being angry. I know I should have made my plans and intentions more clear, but I still think given what is going on in my life right now, giving me a break is warranted.
This is all I've got right now. I'm exhausted. Maybe tomorrow I can finish my homework.
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