Insecurity and Cruelty

I've just finished my first week at college. It has been quite an experience. At times I have felt really confident and at other times overwhelmed and overstimulated.

My best friend mentioned to me that I was sounding judgemental and she was concerned about it because it is not a part of who I am.

I wasn't taken back when she said that and I wasn't hurt by her remark at all. It just made me think and surprisingly, I had been thinking about this topic before she even mentioned it.

The majority of the people I've been encountering all week have been my fellow first year students. We are all wondering around like dear in headlights and suffering from information overload. I'm sure we all feel a great deal of insecurity from being in a new position. We don't know what the future holds for us. We don't know how we are going to make it through our studies. Some don't know that they are in the right program. We don't know who are friends will be even. So much unknown. It's a weird position to be in.

And, unfortunately, out of that insecurity can come cruelty in the form of judgement and gossip. I've seen it in my fellow students and I've seen it in myself as well.

I've heard some mean comments about other people. All in an attempt to feel better about oneself and feel somehow superior, masking our own insecurities.

What is particularly cruel about this behaviour, is it stings that much more at this time. We are all hoping to make a good first impression and establish a certain image for ourselves. Any mistake is heightened. It doesn't matter how small or insignificant. And our feelings are more easily hurt, we are more vulnerable.

Last night I prayed that God would forgive me of my gossip and judging. I prayed He would help me see people the way He sees them.

I'm in college because I want to work with people with mental illness, like myself. I am a compassionate and caring person. Judgement and gossip need to be the furthest things from me.

Of course I'm not perfect and part of my growth as a human being is stumbling and reflecting on those stumbles. I know that this tendency for gossip and judging is in me and I need to be aware of it. Able to nip it off before it rears its ugly head.

I shoudn't make it sound like I'm surrounded by a bunch of jerks and having a wretched time here at college because that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm sure the people in my program are amazing. They obviously have a heart for justice and helping people like I do to have decided to go into these studies. We're in a weird time right now. Figuring ourselves out, figuring out this new place and new stage in our lives.

In my sociology class, we learned about Bartol's hypothesis: "Persons engaged in any behavior are unique individuals trying to adapt the best way they know how to a particular set of circumstances." I've been seeing this concept at work this week. When people are insecure they will sometimes react by being mean to others.

I do really love my courses and professors. I'm looking forward to the semester and the whole rest of the program. It's only going to get better from here.