Update....sort of

Still having internet issues. So frustrating.

I'm back on track with the martial arts....sort of. I'm still having difficulty getting there as much as I would like, but I'm not giving up. Maybe I need to be a little easier on myself and not put myself through so much guilt.

Guilt.

It has its usefulness, but it has run amok in me. I'm riddled with guilt all the time.

But I'll talk about guilt some other time.

Right now, I'm just lonely and I'm thinking I might as well get used to it.

I have Post-traumatic Stress Disorder because I was molested when I was a child......phew. That's a rather scarey thing to put on the internet. Should it be scarey? I certainly shouldn't feel ashamed since it wasn't my fault. But it does make me feel tainted. Like I'm stained. It makes me feel untouchable.

I have built a fortress up around myself. I have been told I'm one of the most closed people they have ever met. Comments like that really scare me. It scares me because my heart really wants to be close to people. I have a deep desire to have meaningful relationships. But I don't actually have many and I struggle at maintaining the ones I do have.

I'm trying to learn more about how my trauma is affecting my relationships now and how it will continue to affect them in the future. It doesn't look good. Other people that have experienced childhood molestation live lonely lives. It's because we have a much harder time trusting people, so we just don't give what others seek in a relationship. Then the relationship doesn't work out.... There's more to it than that though. I think I also just don't trust myself. I'm positive I'm going to mess something up or that I am just a big mess up.

So, this past weekend I was deeply depressed because I've pretty much convinced myself that marriage and children aren't in my future. Maybe my career is all there will be.

I don't know what to think. Especially since I am supposed to be a Christian and I'm supposed to have faith that God cares about the desires of my heart. My faith in God remains. I am certain of His existence and His love for me and all of humanity. Maybe my ideas about my life have been wrong. Maybe I'm not meant to be a wife and mother. Maybe, as I had already said, my career is all there will be.

I am really excited about working in justice. I didn't mean to make it sound unsatifactory. It's just hard to feel so alone.