Dangers of Cruise Control

It has come to my attention that I am not coping well. I'm avoiding, withdrawing, not planning. And I've been eating more junk food.

Things I'm avoiding:

• financial planning for college
• planning the move to another city
• figuring out what I need for my new home
• other financial stuff, like the student loans I'm trying to pay off

And this stuff is urgent!

I haven't been talking with friends. I've gone to the Mood Disorder Support Group, but haven't really been honest with all that is going on in my head.

I hate being sick! I feel scared of myself. Not like I'm going to physically harm myself, but that I'll sabotage myself in some way.

For example, I was supposed to go to a big, fancy Christmas party this weekend but that is canceled for me. It's my fault I'm not going. I didn't plan, I didn't communicate.

I'm not coping.

I think I just didn't see what was happening because I've been feeling somewhat happy. Ignorantly happy I guess. Everything important or pressing pushed to the periphery of my mind. Maybe really I was just coasting and not really living.

Maybe that's where the danger comes from. Coasting and going through the motions can give one the illusion of being fine, but really they're not.

I gotta get back behind the wheel.