Working and dating

I'm working again. I just got hired at Chapters for over the Christmas season of retail frenzy. I'm excited because I love books and I could get at a job at the Chapters in my new city when I leave for college.

Not much has changed as of late. Things have been fairly smooth which has been nice.

Sam asked me on a date. He loves me. It's very sweet. But also anxiety inducing. The last thing I want to do is cause him any emotional pain in his last days.....especially emotional pain that could precipitate his end sooner.

He has never been on a date before and I honestly think of him more as a family member, as a brother. I don't want to deny him some happiness when there is likely more pain and sickness to come for him. Because this is his first date, and could very possibly be his only date, I feel the pressure that much more. Sometimes I wonder if agreeing to go was a mistake.

My best friend, who is also Sam's niece, has given me some good advice. She suggested having a script and having about three of them that say the same thing but in different ways so that Sam will be sure to understand. I need to be absolutely honest and gentle too.

I'm scared. I feel like crying thinking about it...and puking. So much homework needed to do on this one.

I've decided

I'm sick and tired of people saying things about Sam's impending death like, "At least he'll be in a better place," or, "He won't be in any suffering anymore." I've made a decision on these kinds of pat, BULLSHIT answers!

Sam's life isn't any less of a life because he has disabilities. Saying it's a blessing for him to die is just plan messed up! It's sounds more like a person is supporting euthanasia rather than cherishing life in all it's fullness and variety. When Sam came to a full understanding of his disease and his prognosis in that appointment a couple weeks ago saying, "So you're saying I'm going to die?" he was devastated. He was devastated just as much as anyone else would be! He loves his life. He wasn't thinking anything like, 'well at least in heaven I won't be brain injured anymore. Then life will really start.'

Who really wants to die?? (Besides the suicidals.... and I actually don't think most of them truly want to die either, but that's another discussion.)

Sam has had a hard, unfortunate life. But it's a life. I can understand why he wouldn't want to leave it.

And yes, I fully understand that "to live is Christ and to die is gain"(Philippians 1:21) and that "whoever wants to save his life will lose it but whoever loses his life for me[Jesus] will find it"(Matthew 16:25). Ya' know, when I look at these verses now, I don't see that they necessarily mean that it's great to die because then you're in heaven. Remember "to live is Christ." It is so beautiful to be on this earth knowing the Lord. What good am I to God dead? Would I be writing this blog? No! And I wouldn't be doing any other kind of work for God either. Not here on earth anyway. I'd be in heaven singing praises to God, which albeit will be pretty awesome, but it's not doing anything toward any good works here on this suffering planet. God likes us alive too.

Sam is not dead yet, so please don't talk to me like he is! Things really look bad right now. He has been very, very sick and is back in the hospital and today I started questioning whether he will even make it to Christmas. This is immensely hard to deal with. I need people to mourn with me. "Mourn with those who mourn"(Romans 12:15). "Carry each others burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ"(Galatians 6:2).

The Rollercoaster

One day up, the next day down.

Yesterday was a rather exciting day as I put some finishing touches on my plans for the future. As I had alluded to in an earlier post, I've been considering going into the law profession; namely advocacy.

Even before I got fired I had started the process of reconsidering my career and possibly changing my direction. I've had two appointments with a career counselor and they have been very informative and insightful. The extra time off I've had as of late has allowed me to do a little more soul searching so I can figure out exactly what I want to do. And because my faith is such a large part of my life, I've also been considering and trying to figure out God's plans for me.

I had an epiphany last week about my purpose in life. It started in my Bible study, where we have been learning about our "S.H.A.P.E."

S -> Spiritual Gifts
H -> Heart
A -> Abilities
P -> Personality
E -> Experiences

All of these aspects of a person contribute to their purpose in life, what God has made them best suited for.

Everyone in our Bible study was encouraged to do an on-line spiritual gifts test. My top-scoring gifts are faith, discernment, mercy, writing, teaching and knowledge.

I'm sure some of you are wondering, "What are spiritual gifts?" Well, here's what the Bible has to say about them.

There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. There are different kinds of working, but the same God works all of them in all men.

Now to each one the manifestation of the Spirit is given for the common good. To one there is given through the Spirit the message of wisdom, to another the message of knowledge by means of the same Spirit, to another faith by the same Spirit, to another gifts of healing by that one Spirit, to another miraculous powers, to another prophecy, to another distinguishing between spirits, to another speaking in different kinds of tongues, and to still another the interpretation of tongues. All these are the work of one and the same Spirit, and he gives them to each one, just as he determines. (1 Corinthians 12:4-11)

That is just one passage of many dealing with the different ways God enables people to do good works in the world. A few of my gifts were mentioned there: knowledge, faith, distinguishing between spirits (discernment).

In summary, God gives His people abilities so that "each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God's grace in its various forms"(1 Peter 4:10). All of the abilities are for serving other people, not for ourselves.

The rest of the "S.H.A.P.E" stuff is fairly self-explanatory. Heart as in what I'm passionate about, blah, blah, blah....

• Heart: I care about justice. I want to see people overcome injustice. I also like to influence people. I love writing and researching and learning.
  
• Abilities: I'm a good writer; I can teach, counsel, research. I'm a little artsy-fartsy too.
• Personality: According to Myers-Briggs I'm an INFP which means Introverted, iNtuitive, Feeling and Perceiving. I know what it means and if you're really that interested, you can google it.
• Experiences: I have plenty of experience with mental illness! And I have my school experiences and work experiences....Too much to go into in depth here.

After considering all of these different aspects of my life and also thinking about the work I had done in my career counseling sessions, I realized I'm suited for work in advocacy!

So then I started looking into law schools. Don't want to bother with university because I really don't want to be a full-fledge lawyer. I looked into college programs and found something perfect for me. And I can start in January!

Yesterday I filled out the application and paid the application fee. Now I just need to wait.

Needless to say, it was very exciting for me yesterday, having something figured out for myself. A direction, a place to live. Now I'm looking for temporary employment. I have plans!

Today, Sam's consultation with a surgeon about the possibilities and complications of surgery for the pancreatic cancer.

Today was a downer. Especially now that Sam has a full understanding of what his disease is and how he could die very soon.

Part way through our talk with the doctor, Sam said, "So you're saying I'm going to die?" I was shaking the whole time, making it difficult to take notes. Sam has been crying off and on throughout the day.

I can't imagine what it must be like to find out it's likely you're going to be dead in a year.

New Cancer and Other Health Developments

Sam is again on his way to the emergency room. His urine is getting dark again and his bowels aren't moving normally either. I'm scared something may have happened with the stent. Is the tumor growing and putting pressure on the stent, causing it to collapse? Is it something else?

I really didn't think he would be heading back to the hospital so soon. Maybe I'm just naive about pancreatic cancer and death.

I've had some more catastrophic health news involving my uncle. He is suffering from a head injury from a fall in his home. No one is completely sure what the fall was from because he was home alone. Stroke? Seizure? Both? Was he drunk?

When I first found out about my uncle, I really thought he was going to die. It sounded so dire. He seems to be okay right now, but he's still in the hospital and the doctors are still not sure what is going to happen. They aren't sure about the extent of brain damage. I guess he's still unstable.

This is an uncle of mine on my mom's side of the family. My mom's family doesn't talk about things very openly. It's so frustrating! I hate feeling so in the dark about my uncle's state.

I've been more anxious and depressed this weekend. Last night I would have loved to have seen UFC 121, but I just couldn't take being around a crowd of people. I was out with my dad earlier in the day and I borrowed his truck to do a little shopping while he was busy at his church and I was not doing well with driving. I later told him I never want a standard transmission vehicle because it is just too much stress. But I was just one big ball of anxiety yesterday.

The Cancer Issue

I've briefly mentioned it a couple times that a person close to me is possibly dying of pancreatic cancer. I say "possibly" because he has not yet been properly diagnosed, which is just another frustration piled on the stress of losing someone.

Here's the story.

He, I'll call him "Sam," lives in my home. He has an Acquired Brain Injury from living for years with epilepsy. He has had thousands of seizures and has been knocked unconscious and suffered amnesia from them too. His sister, "Rose," who I also live with, is his caregiver. She has had him living in her home for 7 or 8 years.

When Sam first started living with Rose, he had a lot of anger problems. He had actually had them for years. Through a lot of really hard work by both Rose and Sam and a dedicated nurse practitioner, Sam has been the happiest and healthiest he has ever been for the past couple of years. Rose and Sam learned how to communicate and resolve conflicts. Sam has had his independence which he greatly values and he has been treated with dignity. He participates in a lot of programs such as an Acquired Brain Injury group, an adult literacy program and church activities for people with mental disabilities.

Sam began inexplicably losing weight this year and his nurse practitioner determined to find out why. A CT scan was scheduled about three weeks ago. The results showed a tumor on his pancreas. The next day I went with Rose to an appointment with the nurse practitioner to go over the findings and what the next steps would be. We noticed Sam was a little jaundiced. And he mentioned that his urine was "black and red," so a sample was taken. It looked like tea.

The CT scan was on a Wednesday and on Sunday Sam was in the emergency room. Those anger issues resurfaced and he had gone into a rage. He had gotten angry earlier in the week too and now looking back, we can see that his behaviour had been subtly changing for quite a while. Rose had been in fear of her life, Sam had gotten so angry.

Sam was admitted to hospital and more CT scans were done to see if the cancer had spread to other parts of his body. And finally on the Friday he had an ERCP (endoscopic retrograde cholangiopancreatography) during which the surgeon put a stent in his common bile duct because it had been almost completely closed by the tumor and the surgeon took some scrapings of the tumor for pathology.

So many doctors and other health care professionals were involved and every one had a different opinion. All of them talked about the tumor as if it was a done deal that it was malignant. The gastroenterologist said there was no way it was benign, but we also found out that an oncologist won't even look at a patient until a sample has positively identified cancer cells. We are still waiting on pathology...... It has been over a week.

Pancreatic cancer is really nasty. It's one of the most aggressive forms of cancer and a psychiatrist has informed us that it usually greatly contributes to changes in mood and behaviour like we had already seen. The prognosis is really bad. So far, Sam could be dead by the end of the year or he could still live for a year. There is so much unknown at the moment.

This is a nightmare.

I've never had anyone close to me die.

Sam and I get along really well. We go to different events together sometimes. He invited me to his work's Christmas banquet last year and I went to the ABI strawberry social. When I was in the psychiatric hospital this summer he came to visit me. What is funny about that is he didn't let me know he was coming, so I had gone for a walk in the trails around the hospital. He waited for almost an hour for me to get back to the ward before deciding to leave. A nurse transcribed a letter he left for me. In it he said we were like brother and sister. Very sweet.

This "anticipatory" grief is hard. Compounded with Sam's impending death are all the problems and complications with health care professionals and the unanswered questions. It's overwhelming.

So there you have it. Almost everything I know about Sam and his tumor. More to come about this I'm sure.