I was thinking about adding a new feature to this blog that would include one of my biggest interests: mixed martial arts. I write up a play-by-play for every payperview event for my best friend and it was suggested that I blog my play-by-play. Also, I've been taking Brazilian Jiujitsu and Muay Thai.
But after last night, I don't know.
I've been struggling this week. After yesterday evening, I feel like I passed a point on no return.
Monday I went to Muay Thai and really struggled through the whole class. I left not feeling very good about myself, but not completely horrible either. I took Tuesday off because I was in intense pain from Monday's workout. Wednesday I went to Brazilian Juijitsu and I had some trouble with some drills we did, but was fine with the techniques we learned. But I left feeling depressed. I cried in the shower when I got home. I'm not really sure where it came from. If it was Wednesday evening, I probably would know what set me off. Then I went to Brazilian Juijitsu again Thursday evening and was really anxious about going, but I'm always anxious so it wasn't anything, I thought, to worry about. Nothing out of the usual. We started doing a conditioning drill that I started to get really, really anxious about. I started feeling a little sick and went running to the washroom. It ended up being nothing, but then I started getting even more anxious. I was thinking there was no way I could go back out there when everyone in the class had almost done a full round of this drill and I had ran out during the first minute. I started getting teary eyed. Then I knew there was no way I could rejoin the class. I was on the verge of a full-on anxiety attack. I decided to leave.
I feel like such an abject failure. How can I go back....ever? I feel so humiliated.
On the way home, I was thinking that I should just give up the martial arts completely. I think I'm just kidding myself to think I can do it. It just seems to get harder and harder and I'm having such a hard time adjusting. I feel like a great big loser.
When I got home, my roomate gave me a pep talk and some encouragement that certainly helped. I'm not so hell-bent on quitting entirely. I don't know what to do.
At the moment I don't even want to watch any MMA.
And I'm still feeling like I just don't care. I don't care about myself. I don't care. I don't care.
Friday, March 4, 2011
Sunday, February 27, 2011
I hate weekends
Everything is actually going well. There are a few bugs I have to work out. But other than that my life is going quite well. I'm doing amazing in my classes and enjoying all of them. I am really happy with where I live. I'm making friends. And I've found a gym where I can continue to do Brazilian Jiujitsu and Muay Thai.
But I hate weekends.
I don't do well without the structure I have during the week. When I'm free to make what I like of my time, I struggle.
This weekend wasn't so bad because I had visitors. When I was out with my mom, stepdad and aunt and uncle, I was enjoying myself. But now I feel dead.
It's the apathy. I hate this part of depression. I don't like when I just don't care. I feel like a zombie.
And being that this is reading week, I will be struggling with this a lot. I have a completely unstructured week ahead of me and I need to figure out what to do with it so that I don't end up in the hospital by the end of it.
So far my plan is to go to as many classes at the gym as I can. I might as well take advantage of all the free time I have. Also, I have some pretty major assignments due after the break that I plan on getting a substantial start on.
Knowing that I have this ahead of me is already making me feel better.
But I hate weekends.
I don't do well without the structure I have during the week. When I'm free to make what I like of my time, I struggle.
This weekend wasn't so bad because I had visitors. When I was out with my mom, stepdad and aunt and uncle, I was enjoying myself. But now I feel dead.
It's the apathy. I hate this part of depression. I don't like when I just don't care. I feel like a zombie.
And being that this is reading week, I will be struggling with this a lot. I have a completely unstructured week ahead of me and I need to figure out what to do with it so that I don't end up in the hospital by the end of it.
So far my plan is to go to as many classes at the gym as I can. I might as well take advantage of all the free time I have. Also, I have some pretty major assignments due after the break that I plan on getting a substantial start on.
Knowing that I have this ahead of me is already making me feel better.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
It's Been So Long
I've been having internet access issues. I mean besides now being in a new city and being back in school and just generally adjusting to a new life. It's been difficult for me to blog lately.
I really need to work on getting internet access at home. That would definitely make things easier.
Classes are going awesome. I'm getting 90s so far in all my classes. Yay!
There is still the drama with pancreatic cancer and brain injuries, but generally things are going well.
Sometimes I feel a little guilty with being so removed from everything. But I also know for 100% certain that God brought me here. This guilt is kind of like survivor guilt, I guess. It's a waste of my time and energy regardless. Also, it's a part of my depressed brain. As though my depressed brain has to come up with something for me to feel bad about.
And, it's "me" focused. I'm not actually feeling sad or grieved about my friend with cancer or my uncle with a brain injury, but my own feelings of not knowing how to help or what I can do. It's not real grief. It's sick grief.
I'm really tired. This week has been an especially exhausting week. Next week is reading week! Soooo looking forward to that.
I really need to work on getting internet access at home. That would definitely make things easier.
Classes are going awesome. I'm getting 90s so far in all my classes. Yay!
There is still the drama with pancreatic cancer and brain injuries, but generally things are going well.
Sometimes I feel a little guilty with being so removed from everything. But I also know for 100% certain that God brought me here. This guilt is kind of like survivor guilt, I guess. It's a waste of my time and energy regardless. Also, it's a part of my depressed brain. As though my depressed brain has to come up with something for me to feel bad about.
And, it's "me" focused. I'm not actually feeling sad or grieved about my friend with cancer or my uncle with a brain injury, but my own feelings of not knowing how to help or what I can do. It's not real grief. It's sick grief.
I'm really tired. This week has been an especially exhausting week. Next week is reading week! Soooo looking forward to that.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
A Hard Lesson
Sometimes learning and growing sucks. Sometimes is downright hurts.
Yesterday, after having a fairly good day despite having anxiety over being so poor (I actually only had enough money to get me back home from campus and get me there and back today and then I didn't know what I was going to do), I decided to go to the gym. I love that my tuition includes a gym membership. I knew I wouldn't be able to buy a lock for a locker so I left my purse and school supplies in my locker on campus and therefore only had my gym bag and student ID at the gym. I put them in a locker without a lock.
When I got back from my workout, my gym bag was gone. Thankfully, I still had my coat, scarf, toque and gloves as well as my change of clothes. No gym bag with some of my martial arts equipment and most distressing....my student ID. I felt so violated. I was depressed. I couldn't afford to replace anything.
On the walk to the gym I had been thinking about how at least one of the benefits of being so impoverished is having so little to lose. I thought that if someone were to steel my purse, the joke was on them. They would get around $8 and a maxed out credit card. Not much gain for the trouble.
But then I was actually robbed. And I learned that I was so wrong. It's harder being robbed when you are so poor because you lose everything you have. You don't have resources to replace anything. What you do have is so much dearer to you than when you can have anything. I really loved that gym bag. It was really useful and I bought it because it was easy to clean which is important for a person like me who sweats a lot when they exercise. And I had a Christmas gift in there too: a hair product for people with curly hair that I absolutely loved and I knew was also expensive. My hand wraps, my mouth guard.....my student ID.
I think I needed to learn this lesson for the kind of work I'm planning on going into. I'll probably work with people living in poverty. Actual poverty, not the student poverty I live in. I need to be merciful, understanding. This experience has given me insight into the life of poverty.
Fortunately, God has performed another miracle in my life and I've just received my funding for school. I was told the earliest it could be in my account was tomorrow, but I have it today! And that is just when I need it. Otherwise, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it to my classes tomorrow. God is good!
Yesterday, after having a fairly good day despite having anxiety over being so poor (I actually only had enough money to get me back home from campus and get me there and back today and then I didn't know what I was going to do), I decided to go to the gym. I love that my tuition includes a gym membership. I knew I wouldn't be able to buy a lock for a locker so I left my purse and school supplies in my locker on campus and therefore only had my gym bag and student ID at the gym. I put them in a locker without a lock.
When I got back from my workout, my gym bag was gone. Thankfully, I still had my coat, scarf, toque and gloves as well as my change of clothes. No gym bag with some of my martial arts equipment and most distressing....my student ID. I felt so violated. I was depressed. I couldn't afford to replace anything.
On the walk to the gym I had been thinking about how at least one of the benefits of being so impoverished is having so little to lose. I thought that if someone were to steel my purse, the joke was on them. They would get around $8 and a maxed out credit card. Not much gain for the trouble.
But then I was actually robbed. And I learned that I was so wrong. It's harder being robbed when you are so poor because you lose everything you have. You don't have resources to replace anything. What you do have is so much dearer to you than when you can have anything. I really loved that gym bag. It was really useful and I bought it because it was easy to clean which is important for a person like me who sweats a lot when they exercise. And I had a Christmas gift in there too: a hair product for people with curly hair that I absolutely loved and I knew was also expensive. My hand wraps, my mouth guard.....my student ID.
I think I needed to learn this lesson for the kind of work I'm planning on going into. I'll probably work with people living in poverty. Actual poverty, not the student poverty I live in. I need to be merciful, understanding. This experience has given me insight into the life of poverty.
Fortunately, God has performed another miracle in my life and I've just received my funding for school. I was told the earliest it could be in my account was tomorrow, but I have it today! And that is just when I need it. Otherwise, I wasn't sure how I was going to make it to my classes tomorrow. God is good!
Friday, January 14, 2011
Insecurity and Cruelty
I've just finished my first week at college. It has been quite an experience. At times I have felt really confident and at other times overwhelmed and overstimulated.
My best friend mentioned to me that I was sounding judgemental and she was concerned about it because it is not a part of who I am.
I wasn't taken back when she said that and I wasn't hurt by her remark at all. It just made me think and surprisingly, I had been thinking about this topic before she even mentioned it.
The majority of the people I've been encountering all week have been my fellow first year students. We are all wondering around like dear in headlights and suffering from information overload. I'm sure we all feel a great deal of insecurity from being in a new position. We don't know what the future holds for us. We don't know how we are going to make it through our studies. Some don't know that they are in the right program. We don't know who are friends will be even. So much unknown. It's a weird position to be in.
And, unfortunately, out of that insecurity can come cruelty in the form of judgement and gossip. I've seen it in my fellow students and I've seen it in myself as well.
I've heard some mean comments about other people. All in an attempt to feel better about oneself and feel somehow superior, masking our own insecurities.
What is particularly cruel about this behaviour, is it stings that much more at this time. We are all hoping to make a good first impression and establish a certain image for ourselves. Any mistake is heightened. It doesn't matter how small or insignificant. And our feelings are more easily hurt, we are more vulnerable.
Last night I prayed that God would forgive me of my gossip and judging. I prayed He would help me see people the way He sees them.
I'm in college because I want to work with people with mental illness, like myself. I am a compassionate and caring person. Judgement and gossip need to be the furthest things from me.
Of course I'm not perfect and part of my growth as a human being is stumbling and reflecting on those stumbles. I know that this tendency for gossip and judging is in me and I need to be aware of it. Able to nip it off before it rears its ugly head.
I shoudn't make it sound like I'm surrounded by a bunch of jerks and having a wretched time here at college because that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm sure the people in my program are amazing. They obviously have a heart for justice and helping people like I do to have decided to go into these studies. We're in a weird time right now. Figuring ourselves out, figuring out this new place and new stage in our lives.
In my sociology class, we learned about Bartol's hypothesis: "Persons engaged in any behavior are unique individuals trying to adapt the best way they know how to a particular set of circumstances." I've been seeing this concept at work this week. When people are insecure they will sometimes react by being mean to others.
I do really love my courses and professors. I'm looking forward to the semester and the whole rest of the program. It's only going to get better from here.
My best friend mentioned to me that I was sounding judgemental and she was concerned about it because it is not a part of who I am.
I wasn't taken back when she said that and I wasn't hurt by her remark at all. It just made me think and surprisingly, I had been thinking about this topic before she even mentioned it.
The majority of the people I've been encountering all week have been my fellow first year students. We are all wondering around like dear in headlights and suffering from information overload. I'm sure we all feel a great deal of insecurity from being in a new position. We don't know what the future holds for us. We don't know how we are going to make it through our studies. Some don't know that they are in the right program. We don't know who are friends will be even. So much unknown. It's a weird position to be in.
And, unfortunately, out of that insecurity can come cruelty in the form of judgement and gossip. I've seen it in my fellow students and I've seen it in myself as well.
I've heard some mean comments about other people. All in an attempt to feel better about oneself and feel somehow superior, masking our own insecurities.
What is particularly cruel about this behaviour, is it stings that much more at this time. We are all hoping to make a good first impression and establish a certain image for ourselves. Any mistake is heightened. It doesn't matter how small or insignificant. And our feelings are more easily hurt, we are more vulnerable.
Last night I prayed that God would forgive me of my gossip and judging. I prayed He would help me see people the way He sees them.
I'm in college because I want to work with people with mental illness, like myself. I am a compassionate and caring person. Judgement and gossip need to be the furthest things from me.
Of course I'm not perfect and part of my growth as a human being is stumbling and reflecting on those stumbles. I know that this tendency for gossip and judging is in me and I need to be aware of it. Able to nip it off before it rears its ugly head.
I shoudn't make it sound like I'm surrounded by a bunch of jerks and having a wretched time here at college because that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm sure the people in my program are amazing. They obviously have a heart for justice and helping people like I do to have decided to go into these studies. We're in a weird time right now. Figuring ourselves out, figuring out this new place and new stage in our lives.
In my sociology class, we learned about Bartol's hypothesis: "Persons engaged in any behavior are unique individuals trying to adapt the best way they know how to a particular set of circumstances." I've been seeing this concept at work this week. When people are insecure they will sometimes react by being mean to others.
I do really love my courses and professors. I'm looking forward to the semester and the whole rest of the program. It's only going to get better from here.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
I'm Breathing Again
God is so good!
I am right now at a Starbucks in Peterborough. I had to write an assessment at school for exemption from a course and now just killing time before I move my stuff into my new home.
I have been on tenterhooks waiting for my school funding to come through. I had no idea if I was accepted or what. And classes start Monday.
Last night I had been writing in my journal about how painful this waiting has been. I felt so scared and worthless. On top of that I was lashing out at people in my stress. My threshold for any added stress was so low. And then I would feel guilty about being so grumpy and bitchy. I've been a real treat.
I wrote a plea to God in my journal last night. I said, "Please God let me know about the second career stuff tomorrow for the sake of my sanity." And I had decided last night that I would just have to keep walking out in faith. Though canceling everything for this term may have been tempting for the sake of getting more time to figure out the funding, I knew I was following God and that He would make a way for me somehow. The only thing I could do was continue doing what I have been doing: preparing for school on Monday. So I came here today to write my test and move some of my things.
After writing down that prayer last night, I decided to read a Psalm. I was thinking that I needed to praise for the sake of my heart. I didn't want to continue in the mood I have been in. I didn't want to be anxious or angry.
I flipped open to Psalm 138 and decided to read it because I had a lot of it highlighted as praise verses. Psalm 138:
My purpose is here. In school again. Training for a new career.
Then just moments ago I got a call from a woman about my funding application. I have been accepted! The paperwork should be finished tomorrow and then I'm set!
God has brought me a miracle!
And then the icing on the cake is that just after getting off the phone, I heard "I'll Fly Away" playing over the speakers here in Starbucks. It was the version from "O, Brother Where Art Thou?" That is one of my most favourite hymns of all time. It was like a little extra hug from God.
I am so blessed.
I am right now at a Starbucks in Peterborough. I had to write an assessment at school for exemption from a course and now just killing time before I move my stuff into my new home.
I have been on tenterhooks waiting for my school funding to come through. I had no idea if I was accepted or what. And classes start Monday.
Last night I had been writing in my journal about how painful this waiting has been. I felt so scared and worthless. On top of that I was lashing out at people in my stress. My threshold for any added stress was so low. And then I would feel guilty about being so grumpy and bitchy. I've been a real treat.
I wrote a plea to God in my journal last night. I said, "Please God let me know about the second career stuff tomorrow for the sake of my sanity." And I had decided last night that I would just have to keep walking out in faith. Though canceling everything for this term may have been tempting for the sake of getting more time to figure out the funding, I knew I was following God and that He would make a way for me somehow. The only thing I could do was continue doing what I have been doing: preparing for school on Monday. So I came here today to write my test and move some of my things.
After writing down that prayer last night, I decided to read a Psalm. I was thinking that I needed to praise for the sake of my heart. I didn't want to continue in the mood I have been in. I didn't want to be anxious or angry.
I flipped open to Psalm 138 and decided to read it because I had a lot of it highlighted as praise verses. Psalm 138:
I will praise you, O LORD, with all my heart;
before the “gods” I will sing your praise.
2 I will bow down toward your holy temple
and will praise your name
for your love and your faithfulness,
for you have exalted above all things
your name and your word.
3 When I called, you answered me;
you made me bold and stouthearted.4 May all the kings of the earth praise you, O LORD,
when they hear the words of your mouth.
5 May they sing of the ways of the LORD,
for the glory of the LORD is great.6 Though the LORD is on high, he looks upon the lowly,
but the proud he knows from afar.
7 Though I walk in the midst of trouble,
you preserve my life;
you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes,
with your right hand you save me.
8 The LORD will fulfill his purpose for me;
your love, O LORD, endures forever—
do not abandon the works of your hands.
I cried and cried. I felt like these were the exact words I needed to pray. "Though the Lord is on high, he looks upon" me. He preserves my life in the midst of trouble. And especially,
"The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me."
My purpose is here. In school again. Training for a new career.
Then just moments ago I got a call from a woman about my funding application. I have been accepted! The paperwork should be finished tomorrow and then I'm set!
God has brought me a miracle!
And then the icing on the cake is that just after getting off the phone, I heard "I'll Fly Away" playing over the speakers here in Starbucks. It was the version from "O, Brother Where Art Thou?" That is one of my most favourite hymns of all time. It was like a little extra hug from God.
I am so blessed.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
More Homework
This morning I went to church as I usually like to do on Sunday mornings. Still had all this stuff with my blow-out with my friend on my mind. Still do now. Still trying to cognitive behaviour therapize myself around it.
The pastor at my church spoke from Romans 8 today. Romans has got to be one of my favourite books of the Bible and Romans 8 definitely one of my favourite chapters. I had a few light bulb moments today and they honestly seem kind of stupid right now in their obviousness.
First I need to back up a bit to Romans 7, specifically Romans 7:24. "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" This is the way I think. This is the root of my turmoil. Anytime anything goes awry, I start hating myself and it complicates all my thoughts about the actual situation.
Who will rescue me? "Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!"(Romans 7:25)
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."(Romans 8:1)
I mess up. A lot. But my extraneous guilt and thoughts such as "I suck," "I'm a loser," "I'm despicable" are condemnations that are inappropriate and only keep me down, keep me from having the victory and freedom Jesus has given me through His sacrifice.
These revelations really do clear my head up even if they do seem like an abstraction. I am at least feeling like I can speak about the problem without screaming, yelling and crying.
The pastor at my church spoke from Romans 8 today. Romans has got to be one of my favourite books of the Bible and Romans 8 definitely one of my favourite chapters. I had a few light bulb moments today and they honestly seem kind of stupid right now in their obviousness.
First I need to back up a bit to Romans 7, specifically Romans 7:24. "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?" This is the way I think. This is the root of my turmoil. Anytime anything goes awry, I start hating myself and it complicates all my thoughts about the actual situation.
Who will rescue me? "Thanks be to God -- through Jesus Christ our Lord!"(Romans 7:25)
"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death."(Romans 8:1)
I mess up. A lot. But my extraneous guilt and thoughts such as "I suck," "I'm a loser," "I'm despicable" are condemnations that are inappropriate and only keep me down, keep me from having the victory and freedom Jesus has given me through His sacrifice.
These revelations really do clear my head up even if they do seem like an abstraction. I am at least feeling like I can speak about the problem without screaming, yelling and crying.
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